Moon and Flowers

Chapter Thirty-five

I was pulled from a deep sleep when my heart drummed violently in my chest. I gasped as if metals are crashing into the bones of my neck, trying to stop the oxygen from flowing. 

My head turned to Spade. He was reading emails but when he looked at me, I read the worry in his eyes. "Diana?"

Napahawak ako nang mahigpit sa kanya. Namimilipit na ako sa sakit. My chest is ripping apart. He snatched his phone and called my hospice team. He wasn't shouting but I can sense the urgency in his voice. After the call, he took the intercom to Ate Sally. 

"Just a bit, love. Please." He propped up my pillows. Tinapatan niya ako ng hangin.

Long after, the team came rushing oxygen into the room. They checked my vital signs, putting an oxygen mask on me and an extra fan on. I could say a word. Everything around me looked like a supernova just exploded. 

But I saw them one by one. A lot of them taking care of me, but I'm not yet letting go of Spade's arm. I saw Ate Sally at the corner, shoulders shaking. And Spade. I looked up at Spade just staring blankly at what they were doing to me. 

I squeezed his arm which made him look at me. The first thing I saw was the set of eyes drowning in sorrow. I squeezed his arm again and stroked my thumb on his skin. Suddenly, our conversation earlier played in my head. But I can barely remember anything other than the fact that he was crying. The thought of that is peeling my heart off.

"Sir, dito po muna kami para bantayan 'yung oximeter."

"What? Aren't you going to bring my wife to the hospital?"

"That's all we can give, sir. It was stated in her advance directives." The nurse read through my document. "The patient chose not to attend on CPR and Respirator for mechanical breathing when unconscious. The patient also declined Defibrillation and Medicine." The nurse looked back at Spade." It's in her DNR order, sir."

"What else do I have to know?"

"According to the living will document provided, the patient refused the choice of IV or tube-feeding when the patient couldn't eat or drink. Also chose not to donate any of the patient's organs."

"How come I wasn't informed of this?"

I glid my hand down to his hand and squeezed it to calm him down. Napatingin siya sa akin at napaupo sa gilid ng kama. 

I didn't regret any of the decisions I wrote in the documents. I knew I was documenting that when we weren't on good terms, but I just want to let it stay as it is. 

Tita Vanessa came rushing into my room, along with Tito Carlos. Tito was holding her on the shoulder to calm her down. 

I'm still fine. I just can't speak right now. And I understand where they're coming from. Hindi pa sila nakakakita ng parang malalagutan na ng hininga. This is also not what I pictured. I thought it was like just Juliet drifting into sleep. But it wasn't the case. My throat is confined so the air inside my body is finding its way to get out of my chest. Like a crashing wave rising and falling intensely. 

It was a long night. When my oximeter was giving a good sign, it made the people a little less uneasy for me. Si Spade, hindi natulog kakabantay sa'kin. He'll just stay beside me, holding my hand as he continues to settle his emails. Hindi ko siya makausap dahil sa nakakabit na oxygen mask. Hinihila ko na siya para matulog. He just looked at me and put away his device. He rested his back on the headboard and gently glid his thumb on my forehead. I couldn't say anything but it helped me relax my tensed shoulders up to my head. 

Spade leaned in closer to my ears. "I love you."

I squeezed his hand to tell him back. He showed me a little smile, and relief rushed into my system when I saw that his tears had gone dry. That's enough for me. When I blinked long enough to respond, he planted a kiss on my forehead that shut my eyes tight.