What is Home

Chapter Thirty-Four

The rest of the day was a blur. I couldn't tell you what happened. I thought that after such a breakthrough with Pierce, everything would be okay again. But nothing could ever be okay. I was still that tornado that ruined everything in my path. I deserved the hell that I had lived every day.

I didn't even go to the football game with my parents. The last one of the season before playoffs, one of the biggest games of the season. I spent the whole night in my bed with my journal in my hands writing everything I was feeling onto blank pages of a book.

I felt trapped in my life. I had never felt so lifeless in my life. Even when I lived with my biological parents I felt alive. I had something to live for. I had to be alive to keep my siblings safe. Here I had nothing to live for. I couldn't have Pierce. I felt the most alone in the place where I had everyone at my fingertips.

Day who gives a fuck,

What do you do when the boy you love runs out on you? What do you do when the boy you use for a distraction moves on from you? What do you do when you are too late? What do you do when you feel like giving up? When do you say enough is enough? Is there a point where it all ends or is it always going to stay steady? Never good enough. Never enough. I love you. I hate you. I need you. I want you. I can't have you. I will never have you. Why do I sit here waiting for someone who is already gone? I am already gone. I deserved the impression his fingers made into my skin leaving their mark every day. I deserved the pain. My nightmares are the product of what I deserve which is torture. Torture is the way his face is burned into my brain. Like a cattle prod imbedded in my mind of his face. How proud he was to be who he was. He never even felt remorse for his actions to his own daughter. How could he though? I deserved it all. It would be easier if it were Pierce's face burned into my nightmares. At least I could live with that. Not being enough for a boy who's broken. But I was enough for him when he was broken. Now that he's healed and I'm not, I'm worthless to him. No amount of love you's will heal the shattered body that I am. The I love you's that are said in hopes that I will be okay. But I will never be okay. I was made broken. Filled with all the mistakes buried deep in my parent's bones. I am a product of destruction. Everything in my wake to be destroyed. The Leighton's deserve a daughter who will love them. I will never be able to replace the angel they had before me.

My thoughts on paper were interrupted by my phone constantly going off. I looked at my phone and to see at least twenty people messaging at once. I silence my phone but I am still distracted by wanting to know what is going on. I picked up my phone back up off my bed and scrolled through the never ending conversation.

Grayson is already shitfaced

Ally is stripping on the kitchen table and Pierce is nowhere to be found

Charlee get your ass here

We missed you at the game

Holy shit Reece finally kissed Harlow

Get your ass to the party Charlee

Are you hiding Pierce with you?

Earth to Charlee are you even reading any of these.

The text messages continued nonstop but no part of me wanted to get up and go to the party. In the back of my mind I was wondering where Pierce was. Would he really leave Ally alone when she consumed alcohol? Then again, he did that to her the first time we had sex. I needed to get Pierce off my mind. I needed to numb it all.

I set my journal on my bed and threw on some clothes that didn't make me look like I was homeless. Or I guess a better way to put it was, living like I had in the past. I glanced in the mirror pulling a few strands of hair from my ponytail that was rested on top of my head with a scrunchie.