5am Start

Truth

Denial. /dɪˈnʌɪ(ə)l/ noun

"Rash" I say ruffling my hair as I speak into the phone, "i don't like her." This is like the thousandth time I've said this, this evening but he won't hear it.

"You do man" is all he says, "you're just in a state of denial, you know what it means "

"I'm not in a state of denial okay" I sigh putting the phone in my other hand, "and yes i know what it means" I'm not in denial right?

"Sure?" He laughs and I let out a breath of frustration at the fact that he's laughing when this is something serious, "what does it mean? "

"Duh! the action of denying something" I tell him.

"Come on that's basic man" he bursts into another fit of laughter. I wait for him to stop and when he does, he continues by saying, "check it up and tell me"

"I don't have a damn dictionary" I sigh

"Don't act like a pussy, that's why there's Google " he says pausing for some time before saying, "wait it rhymes with googly" he laughs. I saw that coming.

"That was so lame" I say humourlessly.

"You know you love me" he chuckles

"Unfortunately " I roll my eyes, "so I used the time you chose to be stupid, not that you always aren't, to look it up on Google "

"Fuck you!" He curses and I grin widely at my success in making a comeback, "got any applicable explanations? " he asks.

"Yes, erhmm hold up" I look through a few definitions before answering, "it says the refusal of something requested or desired"

"Are there more?" He probes further.

"Yes yes" I look through again before saying, " the refusal to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion or to admit it into consciousness, used as a defence mechanism"

"Just what I'm looking for" he mutters.

"synonyms are contradiction, counterstatement, refutation, rebuttal, repudiation, disclaimer, retraction, abjuration, negation, dissent and disaffirmation"

"I didn't ask and by the way antonyms? " he asks

"Well they said acceptance and confirmation" I respond. So I need to accept it and confirm it.

"Did anything strike you as you read the second definition? "

"No" i scrunch my face,"why would anything strike me?" I feign ignorance.

"Cos' you're fucking refusing to acknowledge your feelings for her"he states blankly.

"Come on man that's not true" I say then pause after a moment of reflection,"give it up already " I sigh

"No cos' you're using it as your fucking defence mechanism to hide the feelings you have for her"

"okay maybe I don't want to admit it so what?"

"That's the fucking problem"

"Why is it a problem? " I move to take a seat on the bed, "it'll eventually go away"

"No it won't "

"It will it's just some stupid feeling" I shrug

"No it's not" he pauses for a while before continuing, "it's okay to accept it, don't push this fucking feeling away"

"I have to because i feel like I'm gonna betray us, cos' we agreed to no girls" I reason, "damn" rubbing my forehead.

"Well but it was gonna happen soon" he laughs, "we have to deal with it"