I choose me.

Part 10: And then what?

Olivia's alarm chimed at 4:45, but it wasn't needed, she'd been awake for hours. It was strange brewing coffee alone, dressing alone, mixing her workout drinks alone. She went through the motions like a machine, no use laying in bed, though that is what she wanted to do. She went downstairs and turned on the lights, flicked on the radio and wrapped her hands. She did a few basic stretches to warm up her stiff muscles. She went over and lined up with the heavy bag and spent twenty minutes just beating on it as hard as she could, till she couldn't breath or hold up her arms anymore. So much guilt, anger and hurt and regret had built up inside her and came out onto the bag. She lay on the mat watching the black mass sway overhead, once she caught her breath she pulled out the "dummy" stand, three-quarters of a foam 'man' with no arms, and practiced her kicks and hits on that. At the end of her forty-five minutes she pushed it back, wiped off the bag and went upstairs.

Loneliness struck her when she turned on the water of the shower, grabbed her own towel, undressed without dodging an elbow, no one to wash her back or kiss her shoulder. Olivia dressed without caring and threw a packet of oatmeal in the microwave and watched it going around and around on the turntable till it dinged, then took it downstairs and unlocked the door. The motions, just go through the motions. Get through one hour and the next.

Ronan and Mark showed up at noon, so she took a break upstairs and ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Her phone rang.
"Hello."
"Olivia, it's FItz."

"Oh hi Fitz." She tried to make her voice sound cheerful.

"We wanted to formally congratulate you on your win this weekend and thank you for going to the expo, took it from a five to a ten."

"Oh don't thank me. I'll never forget that. It was amazing." She said, it was the truth.

"Those pictures in New York turned out great too."

"The clothes are really nice, your wife did a good job, or Fred's wife, whoever's wife."

"Hey, you okay?" He asked.

"Um, yeah—no, yeah, don't worry about anything. Things are just—-Benny and I, uh, yeah." She said, not sure really what to label anything.

"Oh shit. Is everyone okay? Can I do anything?"

"No, no. Please don't say anything to anyone, it's still all really raw." She stood and brushed the breadcrumbs off of her pants.

"Hey for sure, I'll be in touch, let me know if either of you need anything."

"Thanks Fitz."

She went back downstairs and could feel the burn of Ronan's glare on her from across the gym. She wondered what would happen to the gym. Would it be like a child of divorce? Weekend visitations?

A sharp snapping sound in front of her eyes startled her "Olivia!" Mark said loudly.

"I need the keys to the back.'

"Oh sorry." She pulled open the drawer at her waist and handed the heavy key ring to him. Once the gym closed, she ate another PB&J and did her workout, lower body accessory work and pushed herself to the point where she thought she was going to pass out, feeling an aggravated nerve in her hip.

That is how the week went exactly. She avoided everyone as the news spread. She had Andrew handling her social medias and simply went through the motions. This Sunday she closed the gym early because Benny was really moving in with Ronan and he was coming to get some of his stuff. She'd packed all his clothes delicately in a suitcase, all his toiletries were stacked perfectly in a small card board box. She left everything else alone for his picking and waited downstairs. First Kevin's large Dodge pulled up, followed by Benny's little one. She watched him walk up, jeans and a Boston hoodie, his head was freshly buzzed, he looked fine, good even, he walked in and stopped to look at her. "Hi Olivia."

"Hi." She managed and cleared her throat, "I packed up your clothes and bathroom stuff so you wouldn't have to, anything else you want-"

"Thanks" He said dismissively and went upstairs, they were in and out in under an hour. The guys stood outside while he hung around the door.

"So what happens with this?" He looked around the empty gym.

"I don't know, what do you want to do?" she asked.

He shrugged and walked toward the ring, "I just want my boxing stuff, my clients, the kids." She nodded, what else could she do?

"I may have found a space, Brucey is helping me sort it out, he knows about everything, so, so you'll just have to sign some stuff, I can pay for half-"

She looked up at him, "No, it's not half and half, it—was—it's ours, I could even have moved out."

"This place needs you more than it needs me, I'll let you know when we come and get the ring and stuff." She nodded and watched him slowly go to the door, she reached her hand out, she wanted to stop him, to touch him, to feel him hug her, but she let her hand drop and watched him drive away.

The month went on, her birthday came and went, the twins tried to organize a party, but she'd refused, Shonda tried stopping by and Crawford even called, but she celebrated with a store bought juice and a double decker PB&J, which had become her life line. Two weeks after he'd gotten his stuff from the apartment Benny secured a building three blocks over, an abandoned mattress shop, they had come and taken the ring and all the boxing gear. He'd asked that she not be there, so she had watched from down the block. That had been a rough few days, but then after that it wasn't so hard getting up, her mornings weren't so weird.

Sometimes it hit her like a brick in the chest though, being alone, she'd called him so many times and hung up before it rang, walked by his place just to see him, but never be seen. But she had to tell herself this was her choice.

Sleep was her enemy, Olivia was deathly tired. She never slept thoroughly and never long, along with her overtraining. Mulligan was on her every session, but she just pushed harder. A month after the breakup she walked to Walmart to look at new bedding. She was taking off the old worn flannel, maybe a new sheet set and comforter would make a difference, it was a lie she told herself, but she had to change something. A plain white organic cotton set was her choice and a yellow comforter that was on the clearance rack, and one fluffy new pillow, not for her head, but to hug at night.

It was a Wednesday afternoon, with Brucey's guidance she'd hired the people she trusted to the run the gym part time, so she didn't have to be there from open to close seven days a week. Their splitting of assets had been easy, business wise. The only thing in both of their names was the gym, and she kept it that way for now.

She'd made a list of Benny's bills, how much they were and when they were due, tax information and his savings and retirement account numbers.

"He'll forget so-" She'd pushed the tablet over to Brucey with a promise that he'd give it to Benny, he had just patted her hand and said "We'll take care of him."

Scouring Craigslist, she had found some second hand mats, a speed and a heavy bag to go in place of the ring, and after the first couple of weeks everyone was used to the new arrangement. She walked back to the gym and had to do a double take at the sleek mustang parked in front of the gym, there was a tall, tanned stranger leaning over the front counter talking to KiKi. "There she is." She said brightly. Her socks were knocked off, Crawford Wallace was in her gym.