Hello, Just Me Here

I've been thinking of suicide

I've been thinking of suicide

Of bullet trains, ice cold ponds and glass shards from the broken window on the fourth story

I've been thinking of you

Of what you told me over the course of time

Your dreams

Your hopes

Your demons

Your rope

I've been thinking of the times you've asked me to help

The silent cries at night

The quiet yelps

I've been thinking of suicide

Of your tries

Your cries

Your scars

On your wrists

And on your thighs

I've been trying to stay

As you promised you would

It's been maybe about 29 days

I've been okay

I've seen your pain

In your eyes everyday

A cry for help hidden behind a wide sparkling smile

A cry for escape

A thin long line on your wrist

Denial

It's not what I think it is

I try to hide it all behind a smile

I've been thinking of suicide

All the times you've told me you wanted to die

I've been thinking of what I did in return

I've been thinking of suicide

I try to help but

How

I've been thinking again

Of the first time you told me

"I'm suicidal. Help me, please "

I can't shake the feeling

I did nothing when you told me

"you saved me"

"You're the reason I'm alive"

Don't you realize how badly I want to die

I've been thinking of suicide

I've said I was going to help them

Now look at me

Handing you razors and saying it's okay to bleed

What happened over the course of time

I wanted to help

Now look at this crime

I've been thinking of suicide

Of nooses, revolvers, razors, and bleach

Slit throat, slit wrists, slit arteries more guilt to add to the list

I've been thinking of suicide

Hanging

Dangling

From the top story of the skyscraper

Is the back of my mind there's a knife sharp and ready

I've been thinking of you

How badly you don't want to stay alive

What you said about how terrible your life is

And I just can't seem to stop seeing it every time I close my eyes

Semi trucks and cars that don't stop

The trains in the rain

The building so high and standing on top

The nooses on trees

And the cries and pleas

I've been thinking of suicide

But

I never said it was mine