The Secrets We Carry

Chapter Thirteen | Take Me Far Away

James

Driving home I can feel my cheeks hurting from smiling and laughing all night with Liv.
I had a great time with her and god she was truly beautiful. I know neither of us wanted the night to end and if we could have stayed all night we probably would have.

Walking into my house I feel nothing can bring me down from the clouds. That is until I see my mom sitting at the kitchen table her head in her hands. She is looking down blankly at the table. I don't have to be on eggshells as I approach her. Liam isn't home since his car wasn't in the drive.

"Hi." I clearly startle her out of her own thoughts as she gives a slight jump.

"Oh sorry, sweetheart. You frightened me. I didn't hear you come in."

"That's ok. I didn't mean to scare you." I pull out a chair to sit down beside her. "Everything ok? You look lost."

"Yes. I mean no, not really." Sighing she puts her face in her hands again.
I wait for her to continue but she doesn't seem to want to.

"Mom," I grab her hands and move them away from her face. "What's going on?"

She looks at me like her world is falling apart. "My sister called."

I can't hide the surprise on my face.

My mom rarely speaks about her sister, Samantha. The last time I saw her was when I was six.
I grew up with her the first four years of my life as my mom and her lived together. Then she met Liam and moved out with him six months later. We moved about an hour away so we used to see her quite a bit but then everything started going to shit with Liam and my mom pushed her sister away. We then moved out of state and that was the end of their relationship and my safe place.

I remember her looking like my mom the same small frame, high cheek bones and warm eye. She was always so kind to me.
My mom is a year younger than her sister so they were both teenagers when I came along but I know they moved out of their home once my aunt turned eighteen. Their parents weren't really the greatest. At least that's what I knew from the very little my mom spoke of her parents. I've never met them.

"Well what did she say?" Curiosity grips me.

"She's sick, James." I can see tears starting to form in my moms eyes.

"How sick is she?" A knot starts growing inside me.

"It's bad." Her voice cracks. "She called to tell me and asked if I would come and help take care of her." She's crying now and as she lets out a sob I physically feel my heart clench. "I feel awful. I haven't seen her in almost eleven years."

"It's not your fault mom." Although as I say the words, I'm not truly convinced.

"We were so close. We were each other's everything. I don't know what happened, we drifted so far apart."

I know exactly what happened but saying it out loud to her right now wouldn't help anything.

She looks up at me and the guilt is clearly mark on her face. "I think I'm going to go, James. She needs me right now and I spoke to Liam and he was very understanding and even encouraged it."

My heart soars. I feel for my aunt and I know this is hurting my mom but the opportunity to leave Liam has just fallen on our laps.

"Ok, when did you want us to leave?" I push out my chair eager to start packing my few belongings. "I can start packing, now. How long did you think we would be going for?" Please say forever.

She looks at me and then back down at the table.
Dread quickly replaces the feeling I had as realization takes over.

"I'm not going with you am I?" I ask her despite already knowing the answer.

She shakes her head without looking up. "I don't know how long I'm going to be there and you have school and soccer."

Her words fill me with indignation. "So you're going to just leave me here? With him?"

She lets out a small sob and I know I said the wrong thing but I couldn't help it. I've begged her for the better part of ten years to leave him. To protect us.
Now she had a way to leave, if only for a bit and wasn't taking me with her.

"I know it's hard for you to understand. But I need to go to her. I have to."

She didn't even realize what she was doing. She thinks I'm upset that she wants to go to the aid of her sister.

"She needs me." She looks up at me her eyes rimmed red from crying.

"Ok, it's ok, mom. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me." I sigh, as it dawns on me that she isn't going to see it in any other light.

"Just try to stay away from him when he's in a mood or drunk. Don't make it worse, please just keep your head down and don't talk back or antagonize him."

My jaw drops slightly.
Is she blaming me for how he is? That it's my fault he beats the shit out of us? Was it a seven year old's fault when Liam came home from the bar drunk and angry, waking him up from his sleep to beat him and break his arm?

I couldn't listen to what she had to say anymore.
"Go mom. I love you and I'll be ok." I tell her what she needs to hear. Not sure if it's what I want to say. "When are you going to leave?"

"I booked my flight for tomorrow."

I nod and reach over to give her hand a small squeeze.

Just breathe, you'll get through this. You've gotten through this life so far and now you won't need to worry about protecting her. You'll be ok.
I give myself a quick prep talk.

"I'll see you in the morning mom. I'm going to go shower and head to bed." I get up from my chair and pause before I leave. I lean over her and give her head a kiss, whispering. "I love you, mom."
She doesn't say anything and I don't wait, leaving her alone in the kitchen.

The shower did little to help me feel better.
Laying on my bed I squeeze my eyes shut as I feel the familiar sting I hate so much.
I had such a great night and then came home to the ground beneath me shattering and breaking.

My mom was leaving and she didn't know for how long, buying a one way flight to another state. Not even wanting me to come with her. Was school and soccer really her reason for leaving me behind?

I know my aunt needs her. I'm honestly not upset at that. I would have loved to see her too. Tell her how much she meant to me. How some of those years were the best I've ever had. Before I knew what pain was. 
I feel betrayed that she's leaving me behind.
It was only yesterday I was begging her to pack a bag and leave with me. Get away from Liam. As much as I love this town I would leave with her away from him in a heartbeat.

I try to steady my breathing and force my thoughts to the earlier events of the night with Liv. Not wanting the last thing on my mind to be the conversation I just had with my mom.
It only lasts a few moments before I realize that my cheeks are wet and I'm crying.
I roll over as sobs start to rattle my body, pressing my face into the pillow so my mom won't hear me.

She's leaving me, here alone.
It hurts worse than any physical pain.

I finally stop crying and I'm over taken by the need for sleep as my energy feels completely depleted.
I reach over and shut off my side lamp, closing my eyes and letting sleep take me far away.