The Secrets We Carry

Chapter Twenty Nine | Everywhere You Go

Liv

The past two weeks flew by in a blur. We had a funeral for Adam, where almost the whole town showed up and everyone from the high school. It was beautiful, his favourite flowers were all over the church and cemetery. The sun shone down brightly and there was a light breeze that kept us cool while carrying the sweet smell of peonies with it.
So many people came up to me to share stories and memories they had with Adam. He was so loved and he didn't even realize it, never got the chance to.

Josh has been absolutely destroyed by Adam's death. He took it as hard as I did. They were more than just best friends, they were brothers. Always there for one another. He blames himself for not stepping in or telling his parents. His hatred for my father was never a secret to us, although Adam made him keep it private, making it a secret to others.
I told him many times that this wasn't his fault and that Adam himself would tell him not to ever blame himself. He just gives me a sad smile when I tell him this but I know despite my words his heart feels the weight of blame.

All of us had been staying at Angela's trying to keep our spirits up and help one another get through this.
Angela spent the few days after his death not leaving her room. We would try to get her to eat or even be in our company but she just brushed all attempts aside, telling us she just needed the time alone.
She finally came downstairs for dinner on the fourth day. Her eyes were still swollen and her clothing hung loosely off her already small frame. We went through old photo albums I had brought from the house that night. Laughing and crying at the memories and silly photos of a young Adam. 

My father was sentenced almost immediately. Josh's dad was the prosecutor and pushed for a quick trial, as he wanted to help push this whole unimaginable nightmare behind us. My father was sentenced to life in prison with no chance of parol. He sat in front of the judge with crocodile tears staining his cheeks. I knew they weren't tears for what he had done but for the life and freedom he felt he was losing.

I was told I would get everything when I turned eighteen, but the one thing I wanted I would never have again. He was taken from me and no amount of wealth would bring him back to me.

Angela filed for custody of me since she was already eighteen, in most cases it would have never happened and I would have likely ended up in foster care or a group home. We were lucky having Josh's dad help ensure that didn't happen. He used a favor a judge owed him to grant the custody and allow me to stay with the people that cared for and loved me.

My whole life had fallen apart in the span of an hour. My best friend, my brother, my protector taken away, by the person that was supposed to love us the most.
Keep us safe from the world and the monsters in it. He made me realize that most monsters are the ones we know. They're not always strangers, they're more likely to be someone close to us.

The decision to still follow through on our plan to leave was made, we were set to go in two days. Everyone needed a fresh start and the chance to leave our dark past behind. It was what Adam had wanted for all of us and I would be damned if I didn't see it through, as much as leaving this town was bittersweet. Every memory I had of him was in this town, the happy and the painful.

"I had a feeling I would find you here." I smile at the voice that has brought me light in my darkest hours.
Wiping at the stray tears on my face, I feel him as he sits beside me and slowly takes my hand in his. We sat there staring at the plot of dirt in front of us. The stone hadn't arrived yet so in its place was a large placing of flowers. The sun was starting to make its way west setting behind the tree line. It was the simple serenity of being here, near and in his presence that brought be some peace, but soon I would be leaving this too.

"I don't know if I know how to live without him." My whispered confession slips through my lips. It's something I haven't been able to look past. My entire life I have had Adam and now I had to learn how to live without him, by my side.

The silence that follows has me turning my attention to James. His eyes seem to study me as he chews his bottom lip, a habit he does when he wants to say something. "You're not living without him." He finally says. "He's going to be with you everywhere you go. His memories will be with you here." He touches my head. "His laugh will be here." He moves his hand to my lips. "His love will be with you forever, here." He places his hand above my heart. I can't stop the tears as they start again. "But most importantly, his spirit will walk beside you till your last day."

Breaking down into full sobs, James pulls me into his chest wrapping his arms around me. He doesn't say another word as I cry against him. Every word he spoke was true, Adam will be with me. Maybe not physically but in every other sense he will always be here, walking beside me.

"You almost ready?" Josh calls out to Angela from the bottom of the stairs. We have both Josh's car and James' car filled with our stuff, even rented a trailer that is currently hooked up to the back of Josh's car, with furniture in it. Since we weren't leaving in secret anymore there was no point in not taking almost everything we had. Josh comes back outside and leans on the hood of his car while we stand outside waiting for Angela.

Josh had made the decision the night James and I came back from visiting Adam's grave site that he would be coming with us to California. He realized he needed to get away and clear his head, sooner than later. Since he was always planning on coming, although a few months after us.

"I'm ready." Angela says as she come outside closing her front door behind her and joining us on the driveway. "About time." Josh smiles at her and she rolls her eyes at him.

"I'm going to miss you but I'll come out in a few weeks to visit." Ashley wraps her arms around me squeezing tightly. "I know, I'll miss you too. I'll FaceTime you once we get to LA, and a few weeks will fly by before we even know it." Adding that in seemed right but we both knew the time apart wouldn't really fly by. "I love you, thank you for everything." I whisper in her ear as I hold on to her one last time before we pull apart.
"I love you too. You know I'll be messaging you the whole time till you call me telling me you're there." She laughs and despite the laughter and her smile I can see her eyes beginning to sparkle with unshed tears.
"I wouldn't want it any other way." I say to her as I will back my own tears.

"Ok let's go." James announces as he opens his driver door to get in. Everyone says their goodbyes to Ashley before we get into the cars, Angela heading over to Josh's car, James and I riding together in his.

The engine comes to life and my stomach does a small flip at the realization that this is truly happening. As it starts to pull out of the drive I wave back at the enthusiastic gesture of Ashley waving both her arms at us. Even turning in my seat to watch her as she follows down the side walk while we drive off.

Turning back I focus my attention out the window watching the town zoom by. All the special places that hold so many memories. The  road that leads to the barn, the old park Adam and I used to play in, just past that.

A part of my heart will always be in this town, it's buried deep in the ground with Adam.
I wipe a tear as it falls down my cheek and lean my head against the window. I smile as I see the town in the side mirror, being left behind me.

We did it Adam, I think to myself.
We're free. The secrets we carry, no longer on our shoulders.