HE'S MY EX, daniel seavey

12

ariella

we've finally settled down, now spread out across gabbie's living room. half of us are tipsy, and the others are sleep deprived and full from all the food we ate.

tate laughs, "well that was fun. i almost forgot what it's like when we all get together."

gabbie groans, "yeah my poor home."

"oh hush. you know we'll help clean up," christina throws a piece of popcorn at gabbie and it ends up stuck in her curly hair.

i pick it out for her, "i missed this more than i even realized."

"same," kay sighs out happily. she's lying flat on the carpet next to the coffee table; tate sits against the couch where christina has stretched out across, and gabbie is next to me - both of us sit crisscrossed.

"i have an idea. let's play truth or dare," christina sits up dramatically.

we discuss it for a second before giving in because why not.

"i'll go first. tate, truth or dare?" chris asks tate.

"dare."

she dares her to 'butt dial' jonah and to say some weird shit as if she were drunk. which i'm sure she's not far from at this point.

after a short conversation with jonah, her dare is over and she asks gabbie.

"truth."

"hmm is it true that jack was your first?"

gabbie giggles, "yeah... first and only."

"wait what about the rest of you?"

"what do you mean?" kay speaks up.

tate laughs, "have you been with anyone other than whoever your first time was?"

kay coughs awkwardly, "um.. no."

"so just zach then?" christina asks for confirmation.

kay nods and then christina answers, "i'm sure you guys already figured this but i've only been with corbyn... when we hit that bump in our relationship a few months ago, i was so terrified. i'd hate to lose him."

tate smiles, "i kinda wish jonah had been my first. but i was with my ex for two years before him and yeah..."

they all look at me expectedly.

"ella?" kay wonders.

a pit forms in my stomach once again, uncomfortable with the question.

gabbie laughs quietly, "well you hinted that you've hooked up with someone other than daniel."

"yeah," i sigh, "i mean... i wish i could take it back. all of it."

"with daniel too or just the one night stand?"

"both. and it wasn't exactly a one night stand..."

tate gasps, "no way! tell us more, who was it with?"

my eyes widen. i can never tell them the truth about it, but i can tell them small details.

"i was hurting so i got drunk at a party and so did the guy. we woke up and kind of.. hooked up again that morning. but that was it," i answer truthfully.

"whoooooo?" kay drags out.

i fake a laugh, "can't say."

christina boos loudly, the other girls join in.

"moving on, my turn!" i try to change the question.

gabbie looks at me, "okay truth or dare."

great. it's a lose-lose situation, "truth."

"ha! okay, do we know the guy? at least tell us that. i won't make you say a name," gabbie says curiously but she understands that i don't want to give a name.

i simply nod quickly as my answer, looking at kay, "truth or dare?"

"we saw that! so we do know him hmmm," tate makes a funny thinking face causing us all to laugh.

"okay enough, enough," kay giggles, "truth."

i want to ask her about zach and how she's really doing but i don't want to hurt her so i opt for a simpler, relatable question, "if you could go back and not get involved with zach... would you?"

she's silent for a minute but she shakes her head, "no. i don't regret our relationship. i love him," she ends softly.

my heart aches for her as she says this. we are in similar positions. being blindly in love and then going through a rough breakup... it sucks. terribly.

"you still love him?" christina asks.

kay sighs, "of course i do. it doesn't just go away."

"what about you, ariella?" tate's voice is cautious, i almost didn't hear her.

"what?"

gabbie moves into a more comfortable position, glancing at me, "do you still love daniel?"

a question i refuse to answer on a daily basis. it's a constant battle for me - a tug of war between my head and heart.

the room is quiet as they wait for my answer.

i laugh almost bitterly, "honestly? after everything... i don't really know what love is."

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