A Part of Me [Completed] ✅

Chapter 14

A/N: ⚠ Triggering content ahead ⚠

Seokjin

I thanked my lucky stars for Soobin. He didn't question me about yesterday, instead he sort of understood. The world we came from gave us both a deeper understanding about the realities of life. So I took a few days off while he handled things for me.

Jungkook and I had much to talk about and a lot to decide. I made us a late breakfast while he took a shower. When he made his way down, only in a loosely slung towel around his waist, I found it difficult to concentrate on my thoughts and words. He laughed at my situation while I pushed him back into my closet to look for something that would fit him. He came back wearing a pair of my loose sweatpants and my hoodie.

He looked good enough to eat. His hair was still damp from his shower and the hoodie hung slightly off of him, exposing the skin of his neck and shoulders, as mine were wider than his. I gulped and looked away.

"Anything bothering you baby?" He smirked.

Asshole. He knew what he was doing to me.

"Not a thing hyungie. Why would there be anything wrong?" I tried to look as innocent and unbothered as I could but I know I was failing miserably.

He shrugged and continued to wolf down the breakfast I had prepared.

"Your cooking is amazing Jinnie. I could lick your fingers right now," he said seductively, leaning in closer to me. "And why are you sitting there? Have you forgotten your place?"

I frowned. My place? Did he just say that? What was he trying to imply? I huffed in annoyance as he watched me curiously.

"You're not thinking what I'm thinking, are you? Babe, I didn't mean it that way. I just meant, where you used to sit....in my lap?"

Oh! I'm an idiot! And here I thought he meant, I was to submit to him. I blushed like an idiot and turned a bright shade of pink. I knew my ears were burning already.

"Awwww my cutie. Look at how red you've become. You're so adorable. Come here. Come to daddy," he said, patting his thigh.

Damn asshole. He knew what I liked. I blushed deeply and walked to him, allowing him to envelop me in his embrace. We ate together and then I was running out of excuses to face what needed to be addressed.

"Love, I need to talk to you about something," I began tentatively. We were sitting in each others arms, relaxing on the couch, watching a movie. He ran his fingers through my hair gently.

"Mmmmm...what is it baby?"

I turned the television off and turned to face him. He looked at me with concern in his eyes.

"I-I don't know where to begin, and this is not pleasant, but please try and bear with me."

"Of course my angel. I'm right here." He held my hand firmly, giving me the courage to begin.

"I-I wasn't always a good person hyungie. My past life, the little that I told you about, it was never easy or good for that matter."

"Babe, you told me what happened. And I understand. You don't need to do this if it's making you uncomfortable."

"No hyungie. I need to do this. It's important that I face this and get this off of my chest or I will never be able to move on with us, with our life or for our child."

"Okay baby. I won't interrupt you again. Tell me. I'm here for you." He stroked my fingers and it reminded me of Minie hyung. I smiled sadly and finally began.

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"Remember I told you a little about myself, that I was a trick baby? I bent the truth a little. I still don't know who my father is though but ..... I was a product of a rape. My mother was a junkie and a prostitute. But the night she was raped, she'd been clean for six months. All she ever told me, was that, someone she owed, came back to claim and she couldn't pay up. So he brutally raped her."

I took a deep breath and ignored my tears. Hyungie still held my hands in his. "She went into hiding and gave birth to me. But she was severely traumatised with the attack and started using again. That's why I was premature and a crack baby.

I've struggled my whole life hyungie. I've struggled with who and what I am. Because my father raped my mother, I've always felt that I could be like him, a monster, an evil person capable of hurting another human being like that. Maybe I inherited his rape gene. I hated him. I hated myself. I hated the fact that I could be like him.

But my biggest struggle, has always been my mother's hatred of me. Like she hated me because of how I was conceived and who my father was. I was a constant reminder of the most horrific incident of her life. She despised me.

And when she sold me to my first trick, I knew it was an act of revenge against my rapist father. He violated me just as she was violated by my father. I don't know whether she got some sick satisfaction out of it, but she never batted an eye every other time she continued to sell my body.

I became a vehicle for their lust as well as my mother's own lust for revenge. It broke me hyungie. Everyday, piece by piece, I was dying inside. I lost my children. After my first miscarriage, I killed my other two children; I aborted them. I feared they would be like me. Or maybe, my rapist gene would pass on to them. That I'd created monsters just like me."

I stopped and wiped my tears away. "I had one condition in the contract that I had signed with Minie hyung, and that was, that I would never bond with the child I bore for him. I never wanted to see the child's face even, after it was born. But Minie hyung insisted on breastfeeding as part of the contract and I was forced to bond with him after his birth. I was in a  constant internal battle with myself when it came to our baby. I would love him one moment and hate him the next. The conflict within me finally came to a head and I had to escape. I couldn't see him grow up to be a miniature version of me.

I had evil within me hyungie. Evil genes coursed through my veins. I hated myself so much that I never felt myself to be worthy of even an ounce of love. But you and Minie hyung came into my life and taught me what real love feels like. You gave me unconditional love when I felt I never deserved it. I was scared hyungie. I was afraid to feel worthy of that love.

These past few months, I've been in therapy. Taehyung helped me. I go to his cousin, and she's really helped me to discover myself and accept myself. It's been a tough journey and it's nowhere near over as yet, but I'm slowly starting to accept a lot of things in myself. I've learnt to love myself. I've learnt that I'm worthy of the love you've given me. And some day soon, I hope to have the courage to love our son and put to bed all the other demons in my life."

My chest felt constricted and my tears flowed without abandon now. I felt my hyungie hold onto me tightly. He caressed my cheek and gazed into my tear-filled eyes with all the love I felt for him.

"I love you my Jinnie. Thank you for sharing this with me. I couldn't even begin to fathom all that you've been through, but I want to ease your mind and let you know, that I'm always going to be here for you, no matter what has happened or how long it takes you to tell me the rest. I'll wait an eternity. But I'll never give up on you, on us. I love you."

He held me tightly and I cried into his chest. Some day soon, I will tell him the rest. Some day, I will muster the courage to overcome all my demons. For now, I was happy and content in his arms. My hyungie, my love.

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More of an insight into Jin's past and why he feels this way. I'm sorry for making you sad my swties but remember, there's always a rainbow after a storm. 🌈

I purple you 💜

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Love Swty 😙