Voyeurism - pjm

63

You're at home now, dressed in your comfy, pink pajamas while making dinner for yourself.

You can't help but keep your blinds open tonight. The sky looks beautiful. The stars are out tonight and shining brighter than usual. The moon isn't a normal moon tonight, it's the rare pink moon that stands out in the sky.

It's like something out of a movie. Something that is nearly too pretty to be real.

You feel warmth in your body as the oven bakes your meal. You have a scrumptious lasagna baking in the oven. The smell of it only brings you more comfort combined with the feeling of the warm oven radiating onto your legs as you stare at the moon through your window. You run your tongue along your lips, your stomach practically begging for the food to be ready now. Placing a hand on your stomach, you attempt to silence the cries for food as you look up at the moon.

How often do you get to see a moon like this?

You bite onto your lower lip for a moment before your eyes shift to the sudden movement in the peripherals of your vision.

There's the back of Jimin's head, facing you while he sits on one of the chairs in his living room.

He's scrolling through his phone as The Notebook plays on the television. Thinking nothing of it, you try to pry your eyes away from the view of Jimin's new haircut.

Focus on the moon, not Jimin.

You bite onto your lower lip as you close your eyes for a moment, trying to think that you made the right decision when you ended things. You knew that if you had stayed in that relationship, you would feel suffocated and that Jimin would become more and more dependent on you and you would be his only source of happiness, and him yours.

You remember the Jungkook fight, the anxiety that coursed through your veins when you were at the surprise family dinner, the baby conversation, the feeling of being a disappointment when you didn't know it was an anniversary with Jimin, and lastly, the Sowon situation.

Nodding your head, you reopen your eyes and ignore his presence, looking at the moon.

I need to get better. I need to be healthy. I need to be happy on my own before I can make someone else happy.

You try to remind yourself of this. You hate thinking this way, but you know it's true. If Jimin had continued spoiling and rushing you the way he did, you would've hurt him even more.

What if Jimin randomly proposed? With the random ideas of speeding the relationship up with the baby conversation and the random first meeting with his parents, you wouldn't have been surprised if this had happened.

Would you have said yes? Possibly.

Would you have regretted it at some point? Yes, because you're not ready.

You're not the best version of yourself right now. The last thing you want is to give anyone, especially Jimin, less than your best. You don't want to give Jimin the shattered pieces of you. You don't want to give Jimin the jealousy, insecurity, and the other ugly sides that lie deep inside.

You know it's inevitable that he sees these things and that you can't be fully healed.

You just don't want to be in the mental state you're in right now. Jimin's not even your boyfriend and you're already questioning if he has a girlfriend and you're bitter about it.