Save Me From Myself...Book 4

Will They Still Want Me?

Collen POV

To say I was a nervous wreck was an understatement. How do you approach the men you love and destined to be with all the things you've been through and barely lived to talk about it. I look at Connor and sighed saying goodnight and my voice hurts like hell, it reminds me of the time I tried to deepthroat Killian. I laugh at my own joke just trying to stall. I guess now is as good as any time and I walk in and everyone turns to me from the couch and for the first time I say 'Hi'.

Reactions ranged from 'holy fuck he spoke' to nonverbal reactions and they just cried. I sat on the recliner on the opposite side of them. Callahan got up and gave me a side hug and my breathing was still a bit fast but the electric feeling of having him near me felt good and a lot different than when I was taken.

"So how was your bro date with your brother?" Callahan giggles sitting on the armrest of the recliner. I placed my hand on his thigh and sighed.

"It was good, I got a lot off my chest that I was keeping in." He nodded

"Wanna go to the beach tomorrow?" I couldn't help but smile looking at Jagger. As much hell, as I've been through, I still love the beach and miss being in the water.

"I'd love that very much." I blushed.

"Great, we'll make a day of it, just us?" Ivan asked looking at me nervously and I nodded, we need this.

"Yes, just us. I know I haven't been the easiest person this past year and I am trying to get better, I love you all so much it hurts. I love you to the point that I'm terrified of telling you what happened and you all hating me for it, for being so weak and letting them happen. I know you all could feel it, felt my pain, and felt me 'cheating' on you and I hate that you all felt that horrible pain. I didn't want any of you to feel it, I didn't even want to feel useless but I did and I still do. I don't want you all to look at me and hate what you see, I'm not the same as before. My body is scarred and so is my heart. I can't talk about it but I can open my mind to you and you can hear my thoughts and read my mind but I can't talk about it, not yet." I looked at them and I relaxed sitting back and I closed my eyes and opened my mind to my mates for the first time since I have been home, they are going to see everything and hear everything and I pray they will still want me afterward. I opened my eyes and watched each of their faces, their eyes were closed, focusing on my mind and I saw a lot of expressions from sadness to rage. I'm sure you can guess who had what expression.

"Collen." They all said my name when they opened their eyes and had tears on their cheeks from crying. My lip quivered and I took a shaky breath.

"You all hate me now, don't you?" I asked with my voice breaking, seeing their faces and eyes changing, Killian and Calders are black, the others were brighter and I didn't know what they were thinking or feeling. I sat there in total silence waiting for someone to say something but they didn't, they just kept staring at me. I couldn't handle it so I went to stand up and I walked two steps before I felt all their bodies hugging me. I froze in place, not moving nor breathing, this is a little too much for me but they haven't been able to touch me for so long so I'll deal with it for as long as I can.

"No my sweet mate, we could never hate you. It wasn't your fault, you must believe that. What they did to you is beyond horrible and they all deserved to die, you my love are not to blame or at fault. We were worried about you and just wanted to help you but we also understood so don't think for a second that we hate you." Xavier said and I wanted to hold him close so I did, I pulled him to me and he slowly put his arms around my waist and sighed when I didn't freak out. It felt nice holding him again, it felt like home, it feels like home with all my mates.

"Are you two back with us?" I asked Killian and Calder when I noticed their eyes were back to normal.

"We're good sweetheart, I promise. Just thinking of ways to kill Logan and Preston."

"They're still alive?!" I asked and all their faces went white.

"Oh shit." I heard Jagger whisper.

"Oh, shit? That's what you gotta say? What the hell are they still doing alive?!"

"Well ah, we were keeping them alive until you got better so you can choose what happens to them." Callahan said, shocking me.

"Why? I want them dead! They don't deserve to still be alive after all this time. I thought they were already dead months ago. I haven't heard anyone talk about them in a while so I assumed they were no longer alive. They use fucking black magic, don't you all think that they can somehow get away or I don't know, plotting this whole time on having us attacked?"

"Lazarus knew so we thought you did as well." Alexander spoke for the first time since I got home.

"What else does my wolf know or done that I don't know about?"

"He has been torturing Logan, daily. He doesn't really torture Preston, he's leaving him for you, for when you're ready." Titan said and I sighed.

"Which will be never, kill them, and burn their bodies. I don't want them alive when I go to bed tonight. If they are, I will not stay here." I said and Killian, Clader, and Titan left the house.

"I'll be back." I said, turning to walk out of the house. I found my hiding spot to shift, grabbed my clothes in my mouth, and ran to my father's house. I changed back and got dressed quickly and walked right in, not caring about knocking.

"Daddy! Papa!" I yelled their names as best I could and I heard them rushing around their room, opening the door and running downstairs looking like they were going to fight.

"Collen!" They said when they noticed me.

"Care to tell me why Logan and Preston were alive this whole time and no one thought it would be a good idea to tell me?" I asked as I looked them in the eyes. They looked nervous as hell for being Alpha males.

"Son I'm sorry you were never supposed to find out they were still alive. We wanted you to feel safe, we didn't want you to be looking over your shoulder all the time. We're so sorry." Papa said and I couldn't believe that excuse.

"And as I asked my mates, what if they had planned an attack? Escaped somehow with the help of black magic? I know first hand how they are, you all don't! You only know a fraction of my hell there so I told my mates to kill them and burn their bodies before I go to bed tonight because if not, I won't stay here. If I had known they were still alive I would have done that two months ago, I thought they were dead because I haven't heard a word about them since. I deserved to know my torturers were still alive, I may not have talked much but you all were in the wrong to hide it from me. Did you all block conversations about them from me so I wouldn't know? Is that why I haven't heard anything?"

"Yes." Is all daddy said and I shook my head.

"I may have been hiding my hell but I would never hide something like this from you if you were me. I get you all did it for my healing but what if they escaped and came after me knowing how I am right now?" I asked and left them to think about my question.

"If you want to see, they are burning now." Killian said as soon as he saw me arrive at home. I walked beside him still in wolf form and he guided me to where Logan and Preston were burning. I went behind a tree and changed back and met my mates by the bodies.

"Don't ever hide something like this from me again." I said and they agreed, looking at the fire. Now that they are no longer alive, maybe I can get better with my mates by my side.