I sit here contemplating on what to do,
Trying to make the right decision,
But I’m not sure which is right,
Not after experiencing,
Both Sides
I've always been a good girl,
Never drank,
Never followed the crowd,
Never partied
Only had two boyfriends
Yes, it's true (and only the last one was serious)
Don't disrespect any-one out of habit, but as something that rarely happens.
Yes,
I prayed,
I go to church,
I believe in god and what not
I was always told never to play with darkness.
"Mel do not play in the dark, or you'll get hurt!"
I was curious,
And went after darkness,
I ran across the borders and I sat right in front of the forest of torture and the valley of pure sin.
I only wanted to see what it was like,
I heard the screams of what seemed to be a little girl and fear overwhelmed me.
Soon I was I was on my way back, darkness seemed like too much for me.
I was almost there but then there was a small voice.
"There still so much to see......"
I've always known what's right from what's wrong.
But not after feeling a cold metal across my wrists,
When I sat there crying, it never worked,
Writing wasn't working anymore,
And maybe I just lost all the faith in God, in ever coming back.
So I cut.
I bleed.
I cried, got angry, not at anyone in particular, but at me.
I cut some more, then I fell asleep to the sound of my own my pained sobs, to the throbbing pain in my thighs and the pain which now took over both my arms from little scratches and bloody scars.
Sleep didn't feel right,
I always had to be fighting,
I could still hear the voices.
I felt so conscious of it all.
Yes, something was off.
My depression had strengthened.
I was never hungry.
I only ate dinner because I had to and my weight loss had become obvious to everyone.
Cutting became a hobby.
I needed the pain.
Cut.
Cry.
Sleep.
School
Home
Cut.
Cry.......
And the process continues. Through it all I was/am alone. Things weren't working out and I needed someone to talk to, I am/was losing the game, so I started talking, I opened up and let them in, but sadly I got hurt and I bled some more. I'm still bleeding actually. I learnt from it and built walls around my heart, so now everyone just bounces off, I lock everyone out and leave myself to battle with the demons. A fear of letting in anyone for them to get hurt and a fear of letting them hurt me? It was both.
Currently,
I'm deciding, you know.
Now that I know,
Both Worlds
I'm deciding which side to fight for.
Darkness is relieving,
Light is purifying.
So I’m working it out.
Cuz honestly, I need the Light.
But let’s face it.... I love the Darkness.
