That moment,
When you think you're helping people (so called friends) and they explode on you.
Finally letting you see that monster inside.
And all you can do
Is get home?
Cry silently and whisper your apologies, though they won’t hear it.
"You're a liar"
"Stop being such a two-sided freak"
Sigh.......... I'm sorry
I'm sorry I can't be the best friend.
Sorry I’m not the hypocrite you want me to be,
I'm sorry that I’m such a freak, I mean I thought I was helping, I thought I was being a good friend, I didn't know that I was being a freak (well at least to you)
I only wanted to help.
Only wanted to be loved by everyone and I always thought that u guys understood that, I thought you guys knew who I was now, I mean we have spent, 12 years of our lives together, (or less) I thoughts you would've picked it up by now, that yes I have issues but I have never let those emotional problems hinder our friendship, I’ve always been there for you, and now I’m a freak?
You were the one who talked behind my back, you were the one who supposedly didn't have feeling and were immune to boys, you said you didn't love anyone, you said you didn't have best friend, you said you..................never cared. You're the freak; you don't even know what u want. You just go with the flow and I can't be like that because I set goals and I need to accomplish them.
Sigh
I thought this would've lasted, I thought we would never end.
But I obviously thought wrong. Because you’re the sun and I’m the moon and we will never collide.
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Nothing makes any sense, you guys don't make any sense, and you need to figure out your life and get things straight, sigh. (Not that I have figured me out as yet, but I’m getting there, I try)
I'm tired with swollen eyes and messed up thoughts. I need a break from school and I’m sick from constant headaches and pain. I'm worried about what will happen to me in the next few years and I am afraid to ask for help. I don’t know how anyone will react. I think I’m crazy so imagine what they will think. Everyone says they understand but after a few months of friendship they run away........... Is it me or just them not knowing how to deal with WHO I AM?
*Rest my throbbing head against the wall*
I've always wondered if I would lose my sanity, always been afraid of what my emotions could do and now it seems as if my worst fears are unfolding in reality, what was now a dream seems to be an out of body experience............... and to be honest, I am tired of it. I want it to stop because I need to move on, I need to figure things out so that I don't end up in a room all alone listening to the voices and just going with the waves of endless emotions I have within.
I can't concentrate on anything because I am worrying. I am scared and I am alone. Not physically because as we speak my mom is trying to encourage me. But Mentally and Emotionally, and I feel that is the worst thing that can happen, to be alone and confused and in such a state is a terrible scary thing and right now, that is where I am.
Worried about my exams which is in the next 2 weeks and afraid that I won't get what I want. Sigh right now; my mind is just an empty country road. My thoughts are rushing like the cold wind out there but, I can't identify not one of them, everything is just happening and I don't have control of the weather up there.
To be honest, I'm just sorry. To anyone I offended in any way, to the people who were expecting me to do things that I have failed to do, I’m sorry. Sorry I’m not enough and sometimes I wish I could just make up for it in some way, anyway. I wish I was, not normal, (because that words can go a lot of ways, in different instances) but I wish I was the old me, the quirky, funny, ME. And right now, I don't know how its gonna happen. But I’m gonna work my way back to THAT PERSON I WAS A FEW MONTHS AGO (not even kidding, the quick transformation within myself surprised me frightens me).
I really wish I could just start this all over, and then I would take things slower than I did before, I would wait to grow up, make every chance count and maybe I would be a better person (an even better person), however it's not possible to start over, so I guess I just have to make the few changes, learn from my mistakes and TRY!! :)
Thanks for reading this guys and I hope it wasn't confusing (I REALLY HOPE IT WASN'T)
I love all of you as you should know by now, yes u can ask questions, I don't mind.
Bye now,
<3 Meleika
