A one fleeting encounter

Track 5 - Tulog na

Wednesday, 2:30 a.m.

Dear no one,

The downfall of the rain was still very evident that evening when we had decided to call it out for a day. We reflected that we still have so many things to do tomorrow, and the darkness is becoming more and more taunting for us to part our ways.

"Meron pa akong isang payong, 'neng. Eto," iniabot ng ale kanina yung payong para may magamit kami pauwi, "dalhin n'yo na at baka kayo'y magkasakit."

Napaismid naman si arch. He's all damp from head toes and it wouldn't make a difference if he's going to be shielded by an umbrella anymore. But still, he's the one who gratefully received the offer. "Ay, maraming salamat, 'La."

As I brace myself for the coldness of the evening, and the remnants of the raindrops from the ground that might potentially stain our shoes, I have decided to give the remaining half of the cake to the elderly woman as a compensation for her willingness to grant us a shield from the drizzle. Pumayag na rin naman si arch na ipamahagi nalang since hindi na rin naman kailangan I-uwi, "Sainyo nalang po."

She smiled and nodded slowly as if she's being gifted by a much valued present, kahit kalahati nalang naman yung cake. "Sige, salamat ah. Ibibigay ko nalang ito sa mga apo ko. Magiingat ha!" She bid us goodbye and we also reciprocated it by saying our own farewells matched with smiles.

"Ang kulit ni lola, no," Arch started the conversation when we're finally seated inside the bus that would take us home, while I'm still trying to lower and fold the dampened umbrella. Hindi ko alam kung saan siya bababa, pero I think, magkalapit lang din kami. The first thing I've noticed is that we now have the same set-up from our first meeting, but with a much different atmosphere. As if In between of our silence, there's a message that is yet to be spoken of, "pero ang bait din. Bibihira nalang kasi yung ganon. Normally, people aren't keen enough to realize the needs of the others."

We aren't entitled for their help anyway. I wanted to say it, but refused to. I do not want to ruin his philosophical views upon such things. "Yeah."

Being seated near the window gave me more access to the outside. The apparent rainfall earlier is as if reaching to its end when there's a slowing down of every drop of water. The view was slightly fogged by the moisture coming from the inside temperature; giving it a more dramatic vibe. He's now staring blankly into the aisle of the bus, probably thinking about something. A thought came into my mind; probably it can be a great conversation to fill the solitude of the evening.

"You said earlier that I'm not afraid to be bare, and I answered with so much pretense, now that It came into my consciousness. Well, there's some truth in it naman, pero.."

"Why does it matter?" He responded right away, naghihintay lang din siguro 'to ng mapaguusapan. Or he couldn't probably stand the boredom. I was puzzled by his question, anong ibig niyang sabihin? Of course it matters. Everything is. That's why I feel like a total hypocrite.

"Syempre, whatever I say, or you say and everyone else's say, there's always some truth in it; a glimpse of a person inside us. So, it matters." I glare at him but he's still only looking forward; not really noticing my questioning face.

"Yes, but change is constant. I just don't get it why do you suddenly feel hypocritical. Maybe you aren't the same person you once were a minutes ago, or a seconds ago. We aren't supposed to be stuck by the way we were and for that, the things you said at that very moment is the realest reflection of you. It must've felt true to you at that moment. Don't discredit that and don't doubt yourself." His answer, to my surprised,  holds much conviction in it that even I couldn't help but to rather admit that, yes, he has a point.

And maybe, I had the epiphany that I didn't expected from that day. In that very limited moment, I've let myself admit something that I deliberately subsided, "Sa totoo lang, I don't want to accept the truth that people doesn't have much care to give in order to spare even an ounce of affection to somebody. And when you say that I'm not afraid to be bare, maybe because, I wanted people to see me differently; uniquely. That even though I get nasty judgements or demeaning looks, I still crave for the tinniest bit of attention. Even if some of them isn't significant enough," I stopped to let out a sigh before saying something I hardly believe will ever come out from my mouth, "I just wish someone can see through me."

My last sentence took him out of his own senses and finally meet my face with his focus. I cannot read him... so I've decided to break my stare and goes back to the misty view of the bus window.

"Aren't we all just wanted to be seen the way we wanted? Yun nga lang, we don't have the power to control the minds of those who'll come to meet us," he didn't break his gaze from me as I have seen his reflection upon the window. His eyes were recognizably critical yet, calm, "We all seem different to every people we meet. Some, may probably find us unbearably strong or weak... and some may see that beyond the outside.... beyond the 'pretense', there's a human being that can be both strong and weak; unyielding and pregnable; breathing and drowning; living and dying, " His stern stare was changed when he had blinked after the last sentence as if the words were not only directed at me, but also a realization for him, "of course, only in a figurative way."

I composed myself after hearing the intensity of his words. He's quite chill for a deep conversationalist, and  with every sentences that he's capable to mutter, I find myself growing fond of him despite the fact that we have only met for a day. He can probably be a good friend. I rarely see a friend to someone, and from the way he is, I now realized that he can be one. He can, but will he?

"I didn't realized that you were going to take what I'm saying... deeply. Pero, I must admit, you have a thinking mind." I laugh it off, trying to appear unbothered yet, contrary from that, his answers resonated loudly for me to fall into the part of my mind that I mostly ignored.

"Oo naman, seseryosohin ko yun. Hindi naman laughing matter yung mga tanong mo," he displayed a much lighter presence compared earlier; probably uplifted a little bit by my change of attitude. Masyado naman kasi akong nadala, nadamay pa tuloy siya. "saka, I actually like your thoughts. It makes me, what's the right word?"

"Malay ko sa 'yo."

"Nasa dulo na ng dila ko eh, wait... ah, alam ko na, in.... introspective. Ang mouthful kasi, eh." He softly laugh for his own moments of stupidity.

"Malapit-lapit na tayo." I've recognized the distance already, kahit medyo blurry yung salamin.

"Ikaw, malapit na, medyo dulo pa ako eh." So, there's no chance na magkapit bahay pala kami? Good.  "but I can escort you to your way. Gabi na rin, if okay lang?"

"Do I look like needy to you? Don't you think I can't knock someone off by my own knuckles and biting wits?" He's taking me for a damsel in distress that's fully dependent on any man who can show off uncalled masculinity now. I took it as a wake up call that probably, he's also one of the few boys in any university that is full of cliches.

"No.. hindi, hindi ganon. I'm sorry, what I necessarily mean is, I just want to ease my mind. I need to really see that you can come home safely. I'm not downplaying your ability to fight against anyone who comes before you." Nataranta siya; he is speaking while fighting his stutter to compose a great answer to bounce back. He must've read the disappointment displayed on my face. Sa dami ng sinabi mo kanina, diyan ka talaga nahirapan?

"Yes...," he's now grinning, but the sudden joy was wept away when I complicated things and followed up with, "and no."

"Ano? Medyo magulo." Nalukot na yung noo nya kaka-decipher ng gusto kong ipahiwatig.

"Hanggang labas ka lang. You cannot really see where I'm currently living. No one else has ever saw it, and I have no intention of letting you to be the first one to know." I now took my things neatly, kasama na yung payong ni lola kanina. He was, as I have expected, left a little perplexed.

"Sige, if that's the nearest thing I can do to check if you're gonna be fine." He stand up; paving the way for the both of us to ready our disembarking. Fine... will I ever be fine?

Always,
C.E.F