A one fleeting encounter

Track 12 - Sa Kanya

Tuesday, 12:33 a.m.

Dear no one,

My every waking thoughts circulate to that encounter with my mother. I couldn't easily scratch that untimely and inconsiderate moment with her, tinaon pa talaga sa petsa na madali kong matatandaan. Of all the dates, doon pa siya nagpakita. Hindi naman talaga si lolo yung pinunta niya, because she has her own motive—to incorporate herself again in to my life for her own convenience. She made me her last resort. Because I can still remember how I begged for her to choose us before leaving. Na sumama siya pag alis namin, kasi we need her. She's the only one who supposedly be with us at all times. That's what a mother should do. But no, she didn't. She doesn't want to be freed nor saved, so we did our best to save ourselves even without her. That's how we parted our ways.

That's how the ties got ended between the dysfunctional family of mine.

I don't know where my sister went, because the moment we stepped our foot outside, she already had someone waiting for her. Gusto niya kong isama sa kanila, because according to her, bubuo siya ng pamilya na this time, maayos na. I said no, I don't want to. I don't want to be included just to feel, in the end, like I wasn't supposed to be there. That I don't belong anywhere near them.

I want to choose the family of my own this time where I wouldn't ended up feeling left behind, so I said my farewell and chose to live here. Alam niya naman kung nasaan ako, so alam niya kung saan siya maghahanap. Pero, I don't know where should I find her, that's why the only thing I could do was to wait indefinitely to that moment where she would be reminded that I'm still here—waiting for her to realize my existence. Na kahit wala na yung pamilya namin, I still remain as her sister, and that the relationship between the two of us is the closest thing we can still get of having a family.

Until now, I'm still waiting for her to appear; wishing that the memories we had will suffice in order for her to remember me and pay a visit. Kahit saglit man lang, because I just need to see if she's able to have a place we both once dreamed of having; that she had succeeded in pursuing a life filled with quietness and not shouts, laughters and not cries.

But someone heard my longing, and it wasn't her. It was that woman.

Really, I'm now convinced that the world and any other cosmic beings are conspiring against anything that can bring peace unto my life. Dati pa naman ganon na, I shouldn't have really hoped for anything better than the worst.

Ngayon dumating siya kung kailan wala ng saysay yung presensya niya. I no longer need to beg just for her to come with me, because now, the only thing I want is to get away from that life where I'm constantly reminded of him. And she's included in it. She's part of that past where I no longer wish to be imprisoned by.

And I infer that the purpose of her arrival was to merely shatter my life. A life that was just in the process of mending had she not deliberately chose to make an appearance.

Pain and suffering were meant and created, probably, for me alone. That's pure entitlement on my side, and it wasn't particularly a good one. I don't want that kind of entitlement. I want, for once, something that is entirely good no matter how selfish I may seem.

Something that is long lasting and not just a tad bit of. Just like pure happiness. I don't want it if all I can get is the tiniest fraction. Patikim, kumbaga. Paasa.

Once, I opened up about this with Mr. Severino when he called for my presence. According to the one who had carried the message, I need to submit already the final output of the special project he gave to me a few weeks ago. And it was at this moment where my mind momentarily forgot about my mom. Ang naisip ko nalang ay yung hindi pa tapos na essay na pinagagawa niya—my retribution, according to him, for my impulsiveness.