A one fleeting encounter

II

We're both seated now and I don't know how will I fill the gaps between our silence. Should I say something funny? Humor him? But I'm not the jolliest person, heck, I don't even radiate happiness or optimism most of the time. But since he had started with the reminder of the time when we have first met,

"If I'm not mistaken, the first time we've talked was when you were still this person who hated her entire day just because it's her birthday, Tama?" I think life has already decided on what we should say in our attempt to make sense of what's happening now; of what is the purpose of this sudden meet up. Am I ready for it?

No. I'm not. And he must've read through me when he decided to carry on, "Yeah, Oo nga pala. No past grudges," he simply accepted the fact that there's no way he could extract an answer from me, and my silence alone speaks more volume to remind him of that, "pero, kung iisipin ko ngayon, it's not that bad. I mean, hindi mali na nagkita tayo nuon. Kasi, that day when we've first met, hindi ko siya itinuturing as 'grudge'. Hindi ako galit na nakilala kita... and sana ikaw din." He smiled with a faintest hint of sadness attached to it.

"Why would I be angry to meet a friend in the loneliest time of my life? You were there like some moth and was too naive to continuously linger on the flame. Sobrang kulit kahit napapaso na." I'm really good at masking my pain in metaphors to lessen the impact, wow.

"Who says napapaso siya? Why would you feed words to the moth? Ayaw mo ba siyang pakinggan?" Really? We're doing this third-person-point-of-view kind-of-game in unfolding our deepest inconsolable problem? I'm in. If it's the only way I can tolerate a conversation with him that has something to do with our past then so be it.

"I think the flame knew for a fact that it meant to burn everything that goes near it. That from the moment someone took a chance to even take a good look at it, that thing will only end up being burned." I didn't waver when I said the word burned. Our eyes were locked at each other's stern faces while indefatigably composing ourselves.

He took a good amount of thinking before arriving with his own answer, "but the thing is, the moth do not care even if the flames may hurt it or not. He's drawn at the flame for its ever inviting... illumination. No, it's not painful for the moth to be burned, because what hurts him the most was when the flicker of the flame suddenly gone dim." Napakurap ako nang may nanggulong lamok sa gitna namin, what a pest. Saan ba nanggaling itong mga insektong 'to? Well, if nakakalimot ka C, gabi na.

"Maybe nawalan na nang supply ng oxygen yung flame kaya namatay siya. Maybe, it's time for the moth to find another light to cater its interest." My gaze is now traveling from him up to the woman who's now carrying our order.

"But it didn't found another one, sadly," Arch seems unmoved even if the woman can now be seen through his peripheral. He said thank you afterwards and did the seasoning. He offered me my tokneneng and lugaw after he's finished in adding some pepper in it, "mukang masarap, no."

"Oo nga. Nakakagutom." I have shoved my spoon into my mouth after scooping the food despite of its heat. Shit, ang init.

"Dahan dahan lang," natawa siya nang makitang napaso ako ng dahil sa pagiging tanga at clumsy. Well, buti nalang pala kasi at least, nawala yung focus niya dun sa moth. Bakit ko ba kasi inumpisahan yun? "Tubig gusto mo?"

"No...no, okay lang." I turn down his offer. Hindi naman kasi ganoon kasakit, although it has left a sting to my tastebuds.

"Kabado ka ba or what?" He has laughed it off; enjoying my uncomfortableness. Why are you making it uneasy, arch? Can't you just be there without holding much presence?

"Sayo? Kakabahan ako? Baka ikaw. Sadyang gutom lang ako, and masakit yung ulo ko kaya kailangan ko ng mainit na sabaw. I need to remain sober kung gusto mong makauap ako ng matino." I simply feigned conceit for him to realize that it's not hard for me to deliver this conversation with him without breaking into shards.

"Nakakatawa lang.." he didn't continue in concluding his statement when he suddenly cackles uncontrollably. As if a very hilarious thought rightly came into his mind unprompted, "wait, I'm sorry.."

He keeps on laughing while leaving me there; completely deteriorating with the thought that he's probably thinking about me in those times. Sobrang assuming man pero, marami talaga akong na-commit na kalokohan nang dahil sa pagiging impulsive at walang kontrol. "Uy, grabe. Share mo naman yan. Alam kong may kinalaman ako diyan, kaya sabihin mo na. Mamamatay ako kakaisip kung alin sa mga nagawa ko yung cause ng tawa mong malapit nang maka-offend."

He took so much effort to finally explain the reason behind his laugh and a lot more to stop himself from giving in to another wave of laughter, "Kasi...Naalala mo yung moment sa klase ni mrs. amor where you lost your shit and was left all frenzied because she has send you to the counselors?"

"Why do you need to remind me of that?" How many more instances from the pasts will he keeps on digging for as long we're here? Masaya na naalala niya pa lahat ng yun, pero aaminin ko, medyo nakakalungkot na it's all remain in the history now. Even those terribly absurd moments. All being stated in a past tense.

"Because you showed the same face earlier; frantically angry at something yet, you know you have no choice but to give in, accept it, and move on." I felt the sudden jerked of memories dawning at me. Yes, I can still vividly remember that moment. With a flustering face, I admittedly smiled at him.

"Yeah, what a tough nut to crack. I couldn't even erase that one from this brain. No one can really fathom my own destructive ways during those times." I just shrugged and know that at that moment, there's no way I can turn off the thoughts of being entrapped in a persistently knocking past.