A one fleeting encounter

Track 3 - You

Wednesday, 12:29 A.M

Dear no one,

These were the times where I couldn't silence the clamor inside of me that just wanted to be heard; to be understood and hopefully, silenced. I still remember when I turned away from Gevin and heard again the sound of the ever pervasive voice of my father in my mind after that incidence. Where in every shouts my father utters, he filled so much space in our house. Not enough for my mother to even whisper. She dissolved herself smaller.....and smaller. She did not had a choice but to let that man shrink her in order for him to fully occupy by his presence our supposedly safest space—home.

I couldn't finish the entire day inside the campus after that and I was fully aware that I wouldn't also be able to focus kung ipipilit ko pa. So, I called ally and said that I will just leave her papers inside her locker since alam ko naman kung anong passcode ng locker niya. We shared intimate stuffs like that. We've earned each other's trust already to let the other be a little invasive.

Akala ko after some years of repressing that memories of him, mawawala na siya. Sila. Pero, when Gevin brought out his gift, I felt again the surge of unwanted memories accompanied by the sensation of being dominated through the means of establishing a label. A necklace; glimmering yet no less than a leash made for ownership.

"My father never let us go against his will, he controlled our every movement and even restricted the authority of my mother." I told arch when he found me that afternoon in all complete mess sa hintayan ng bus pauwi. Naalala ko na magkapareho pala kami ng daan, so it's just likely for us to come across with each other's presence while commuting.

He just kept his silence. Contemplating, finding the right words to sound comforting or is he getting uneasy by my continuous blabbering? The other side of his shoulder were occupied by a sling bag, a DSLR camera bag to be particular. Saan naman kaya ang punta nito?

"Gusto niya, gusto niya. Walang sasalungat." That's why I wanted so badly to get away from that familiar sensation of being limited.I want to take full ownership of myself and not be defined by the presence of someone; even by means of curating an impregnable wall to prevent the future suffering at the expense of not fully experiencing the spectrum of life.

"Kaya ka ba umiiyak?" He finally has the initiation to question me after some silent moments of hearing my out of context frustations. I still don't know why he stayed by my side knowing that even I have no clue of where will be the destination of this conversation. Chismoso ba siya? Or is he one of the few people living in this world that isn't so self-absorbed to hear out a stranger? He just stared when he saw me bawling my eyes out, yet here he is, still listening no matter how puzzling my incoherence gets.

"Partly...yes." I gaze at the busy streets. People come and go in all haste. Maybe they just wanted to rest and go home. Must've been nice to feel that after a long and tiring day.

"Well.. sa tingin ko normal lang na maramdaman mo yan, maybe, you're being too hard on yourself?" He's mimicked the voice of a shrink with the way he addressed me. "Maybe..hindi mo dapat hayaang magkaroon siya ng epekto sa lahat ng aspeto ng buhay mo."

"As if naman gusto ko. I mean, it has became inevitable in the long run. That's how great his effects on me." He simply nodded and half-smiled. A kind of face that portray both sadness and admittance. Maybe, he finally understood that traumas cannot just be easily ward off simply because it's way beyond of our ability to go against it. It is a psychological doing of a madman that has became deeply rooted to the point where one couldn't take it out easily on its own system.

As I turned my sight on him, he's now preparing to stand up. "Paparating na yung bus...ah, tara?" I was carried away at that time, unable to ground myself to the reality. I didn't even realized that the bus is now working its way towards us; preparing to take new passengers. I just cannot properly function when he's being remembered along with his vile actions. Fuck that man.