A one fleeting encounter

Track 6 - Balik-balikan

Wednesday, 3:05 a.m.

Dear no one,

If I could encapsulate the whole journey of our walk towards home it would be entitled as, "The silhouette of two strangers collided by their inevitably nonsensical and all consuming thoughts." by which, ironically, sits well on my ears. I have no intention to reveal everything to him all at once; on a same fateful day; with a moon glistening above our heads to make it sound more romantically plotted indie film....yet, I somehow did.

I don't know if I'm annoyed by that fact or am I okay with it. Or okay is such an overstatement to my disorderly mind, since none of my feelings can be merely stated as "okay"?  I don't know anymore, basta magulo at basta hindi ko mawari kung paanong nagawa ko'ng maging kumportable sa isang tao na kakakilala ko palang. For someone with a strong impenetrable wall, I'm also worried that I may be reaching a turning point in my life where I can finally say, "Celise, you're starting to be more of a human being and less of a standee made up of cardboard that is incapable of making real human interaction." because then, I should also be fine with accepting the downside of vulnerability. That there's a high probability, as early as now, the need to brace myself for some future disappointments when I have finally paved the way for people to easily come in and topple everything I have promised to protect at all costs.

Anyway, it all continued when he has approved my condition to walk me home but not necessarily to the exact location of my house. Pumayag na ako kahit alam ko'ng hindi ko naman din kailangan ng kalinga o proteksyon ng isang tao. Sanay kasi akong umuuwi magisa, at sa tagal ng panahon na yun, wala pa namang nangyayari at buo pa naman ako. Ang kulit niya, and para na rin ma-ease kuno yung pakiramdam niya, then so be it. Bahala siya.

"I don't know what's with the night, don't you feel it? Parang it's always inviting us to think weird stuffs that we always choose to repress. Parang nano-normalize siya and nagiging acceptable bigla. Tulad nalang nung pag amin mo sa bus kanina, kahit wala naman akong tinatanong sa'yo about dun." He said it while looking directly on our way; all too focused in walking but his mind was seemingly drifting off from our earlier talks.

He reached for the umbrella and offered a hand to carry it, para daw hindi na rin ako maabala, "Hindi naman dahil siguro sa oras yun, siguro nga the night has this enchanting power pero sa tingin ko nasa tao rin yun eh. You make it seem easier to confide with," baka naman isipin mo na masyado kitang pinupuri,  "hindi sa gusto ko na palakihin yung ego mo, pero it has truth in it. You're fine to be with while someone is being in the state of awakening. Para kang catalyst for change kasi yung make people think and reason out with their own already established beliefs. Ang galing mo mang-warak."

I reached for my bag and try to fumble the box of cigarettes I stole earlier, and when I finally managed to put my hands into it, I took out a stick and lit it with my lighter. Napansin niya yung usok kaya napatingin siya sa direksyon ko, I'm anticipating for his judgemental stare but he didn't even showed a distorted face. Parang wala lang, as if on a daily basis, he sees a girl smoking heavily by his side. A normal thing and not much of situation where he ought to feel unorthodox.

"Nakikita mo yun?" He pointed his fingers to the sleeping woman; isang pulubi na tinitiis ang panglaw at ginaw ng gabi sa ilalim ng silong. "I break when I see people sleeping in the streets when there's really no comfortable space for them to reside. Lalo na kapag sobrang tanda or bata. And unfair and ang cruel... parang paalala na sobrang privileged ko na pala para makalimutan na mayroon pang kagaya nila." He's too kind for this world, really. And so idealistic to the point of being borderline absurd.

"I hope she's dreaming a good one," I said mindlessly. Hindi sa wala akong pakialam, sadyang sa araw araw na makakakita ka ng kagaya nila, mapapatigas ka nalang talaga ng mundo. Which shouldn't be our initial response in the first place. "I have a problem with the life of the kinds of them,"