A one fleeting encounter

Track 8 - Bukod tangi

Monday, 2:34 a.m

Dear no one,

Have you ever felt heavily burdened by the people who have made you feel guilty just by bringing you into existence? Like, for all their misery and inadequacy, it's you who must also be in their position or be their company while they battle with it. The emotional manipulation; the blame; their demons. You've perfected the ways on which you could survive that to some extent, you're no longer sure if you've ever survived or you have just  mistaken it as a normalcy just to be able to live with your sanity completely intact.

She's the daughter of an addict... the daughter of the masochist.. a wasted one that holds so much potential.

Did I just lived with it? Or did I just artistically accepted and wrapped it as something conventionally appropriate that's why people doesn't seem bothered anymore even when they start seeing that horrible side of me? Or do they even care enough to begin with in order to really see what's beyond the smug? The palpable passivity? The mask?

Of course not. They don't care, and they shouldn't be. That's how the world simply works... but I hope they did.

I hold on with so much desperation for hope that day; for that limited time of enlightenment despite of that all-consuming fact. That when finally the world start seeing the joyous bits of it, they've decided to take it away. I was reminded of it when I'm barely talking in front of our school's counselor, Mr. Severino. The gut-punching reality was so strong and more than necessary to wake me up.

Habang nakaupo nang magkatapat, walang nangahas sa aming dalawa na unang magsalita. We kept our silence for a while, but despite of the absence of spoken words, one could feel the authority he is holding and his room. For a moment, akala ko magsasalita na siya dahil kung hindi ako nagkakamali, nagkaroon ng awang ang mga labi niya bago ito nagsara.Nagaalinlangan? Naghahanap ng magandang salita para sabihin na hindi gaanong sasakit para saakin na wala na 'kong papasukan?

Nang napagdesisyunan na niyang baybayin ang mga salitang kanina niya pa kinikimkim, saka ko naisip na mas mabuti pala talagang hindi nalang siya nagsalita, kasi at least, I'm not responsible to answer back. "Sa tingin mo... tama yung ginawa mo?"

Yes. Tama yun, kung yun lang yung paraan para magising sila at malaman nila yung mali nila. "Hindi. Oo, mali. Masama kasi ako kaya ganon."

I didn't stutter when I said how bad I am. I'm actually so still and peaceful if being judged solely by appearance. I don't usually bring down myself just to uplift someone else, pero ngayon, mas ganado akong tapusin nalang 'to. Siguro kasi, hindi ko makita yung point kung papahabain pa lalo na kung alam ko yung kahihinatnan. At ang malala, hindi na magbabago yun.

"Why do you think you aren't good?" He was surprised with how I unflinchingly served him with my answer earlier.

"Because I do bad things, a lot. Probably more than I could tell. And uh.... I hurt people intentionally or not," Napahinto ako sandali para humanap pa ng mga rason para maramdaman niyang mataas siya, sila..Oo, panalo na sila, "I sometimes don't accept the morality that rules our society. I just don't know how to conform in your ways."

I told things that are much preferred to be heard by the likes of him. It's easier for them to be receptive and give up when everything goes into their own liking. Sinabi ko lahat ng masamang anggulo na una nilang nakikita, para nalang matapos na. Hindi ko na kayang sikmurain lahat ng anomalya na nananalaytay sa lugar na 'to.

"You think you're not good because you did all of those 'bad' things? You seem so much aware of how bad that is, care to share why there's so much acknowledgement on your part?" He asked, entirely not getting my point. But then, so be it. I would reiterate it to him if he's not really aware for how I am basically known for in this place.