A one fleeting encounter

Track 13- Reflection

Friday, 2:50 a.m.

Dear no one,

I know this day will come, that I'll finally have to truly free myself in order to live. I was rehearsing multiple times in my head—playing it so that the constant thoughts will be less hard when being put into words, so that when she comes back, I will be willing to embrace her as I brace myself for a new beginning.

But what I was expecting doesn't align to what had really happened. It was an outburst. A flailing tide of hurtful words instead of a gentle forgiving sound.

I wish I had a heads-up, so that the severity of trusting for a good riddance wasn't that destructive.

I was supposed to go and watch ally's performance, kaya nakuha kong bumangon at magayos. I wasn't planning to go to school that day, pero kinulit niya 'ko at pina-guilty na hindi ko manlang masuportahan yung unang performance niya. I know that she's waiting and praying for that dreadful day, that's why it will be disappointing for her side if I will not be present to see her hard work paying off.

So I said, I will try. Susunod ako at pipilitin kong magpaka-normal at makihalubilo para sa kanya.

Naligo ako ng madalian at kumuha ng damit na madaling suotin. Nagaalinlangan ako kasi, according to her, may pa-celebration siya, siguro a nice and simple dress will do? bahala na. I've never been into a party, so I don't usually know the kind of clothes people usually wear for such event.

As I was preparing, I stand in front of a mirror and wore a smile; my mind quickly reasoned,

Pwede naman akong umuwi after the performance? Pero, masyadong aksaya sa pamasahe, kaya dederetso nalang ako sa kanila. How many people have been invited? Probably the ones who're part of her org? Those scums? Will they come? Of course they will. I will just try to excuse myself early, kapag nagkataon.

I've been contemplating too much for something as trivial as that, so I stopped and muster my courage to get out despite my unwillingness to do so.

Maybe my doubts was already a sign that I shouldn't have stepped out from that curated peaceful home.

If only I listened.

Because the moment I have decided to open the door, the pulsing and uncontrollable sensation that had courses through my system were all too familiar.

I didn't want that.

It was blinding, crashing and making me feel constricted. I was unable to move. I was frozen by the sudden jerk of fearful emotions. It was all consuming, I cannot wear the same smile I literally worked so hard to attain... again.

She's there. I know I've prepared myself to give another chance—to finally forgive and let go. But it wasn't just her. She was with that man.

I haven't yet reached that far when it comes to acceptance. I can't see him yet without spiraling down with so much anger and fear, let alone forgive. That's too much to demand from me.

"Anak kasama ko tatay mo, gusto ka rin daw niya makita."

"Pasensya ka na, kinulit ko nanay mo na dumeretso dito. Masyado akong natagalan para makabalik sainyo."

I didn't answer. I couldn't. I just stare blankly, unnerved by the smile of the same man who wasn't even aware with the kind of intense fear he's inflicting. Bumalik lahat ng mga ginagawa niya dati, yung pag sigaw, pananakit. The memories were jangling and ringing in jarred noise. It was as if I couldn't hear their voices despite the movement of their mouths. Their words were incomprehensible; muffled, and my brain couldn't process it.