The Feel of Water

Five - Dani Don't Do It

"He's just using me to get back at Jen," I tell the girls. All three of them sit around Allion's bedroom as I pace back and forth. "I don't want to be a pawn."

"Dani you've done nothing but worry about this for days. Personally, I think you should go. Jamie will see you with Sean, and he'll get jealous. It's a win, win. You're both using each other," Becca pipes up. "What's the worst that could happen? You have to spend some time with Sean? Sean is a god damn babe. Sean is the kind of guy girls drool over in teen movies."

"He's also the kind of guy to punch Jamie in the face," I counter. "He's a bad guy."

"Boys hit each other all the time."

I roll my eyes at Becca. One day he's a psycho and the next he's my ideal opportunity.

Allison says, "I don't know. Maybe you shouldn't get involved in their drama. Sean's hot, yeah, but it's not worth Jen digging her claws in you. Trust me, I chased Sean for months. He's never moving on from Jen."

"She wants Jamie anyway, not Sean," Becca says. "Who cares if Sean's in love with Jen?"

I crash onto Allison's bed. Alisha speaks up, "Maybe it'll be fun."

"What?" I sit up, surprised to hear such words leave her lips.

"Maybe it'll be fun," she repeats, shrugging.

"Are you feeling okay?" Becca questions her.

"I'm fine. I just think Dani should experience her first date, that's all. If Jamie is with Jen now, that shouldn't stop you from living your life."

"You really think I should go tonight?"

Alisha smiles. "Yeah. Worst comes to worst, at least you have a good story."

"What did Emilie say about it?" Allison asks.

"I didn't tell her. She would just tell me to do it. Emilie is always telling me to live a little."

"I think you have an answer then," Becca mumbles.

My heart begins to beat harder. I run my bottom lip through my teeth, thinking about Emilie and the scissors as they ran through her hair. I can hear the sound of it now-the noise of each hair being severed by the blades.

"Okay," I breathe. "Okay. I'll go."

It's an impulsive decision. I leave Allison's to get ready for the football game. When I was a freshman, we used to go to every game because it felt like the right thing to do as new high school students. Over the years, I realized that I don't care about sports. Becca just wanted to go so she could meet boys. Allison went, well, for whatever football player she was crushing on at the time. Alisha used to go to watch the game, but after she met Javier, she stopped going to them. I thought Allison might come with me because Nick is playing as well, but she has too much homework.

So, I leave my house on my own in a pair of jeans and a cute top. Emilie asked where I was going. I told her the game but left out the important details. The entire walk there, I bite my bottom lip and the inside of my cheeks. If I devour myself, then this anxious feeling in my chest would die.

It's the perfect temperature for a football game. It's not too cold yet, but no longer irritatingly hot. I walk through the bustling parking lot and get in line at the entrance. Once through the gates, I almost pretend to be someone else-someone who talks to guys and goes out with guys and isn't totally awkward. Dating me must be like dating a fifteen-year-old; I'm shy and nervous and inexperienced. As I push through the crowd surrounding the concession stand, I can't help but let doubt creep in.