The Feel of Water

Nineteen - Queen of the Castle

My brain wakes up, but my eyes stay closed.

I'm in bed. I feel the sheets and the pillows and the warm comforter thrown over my body and tangled between my legs. My feet stretch and my hands ball up. I open my eyes, seeing nothing but darkness at first, but then everything steadily begins to lighten up—my eyes adjusting. I lift my head off my pillow, seeing his body next to me. My face scrunches as I recall just exactly how he got here.

I look around the room and I realize it's not my room. It's his.

Through the closed shutters, I can see the night sky. The sleek clock on the wall across from us reads 4:03 am. I sit up, the covers pooling at my waist. Memories steadily trickle back in, and I remember just exactly how I got here, in Sean Donovan's bed.

My hands rub my eyes. My body feels heavy with exhaustion. Before I can decide whether or not to sneak out the window, Sean stirs beside me. I peer back at him. His eyes are slightly open. He looks so cute when he's half asleep. "Come here," he says and brings his arm out for me.

I settle back down in the crook, my hand on his chest, my body against his. And I close my eyes. I close my eyes because everything smells like him and he smells so good—boyish and attractive. And his arm feels just right underneath my head. And when he breathes, I can hear the soft breaths. And when his heart beats, the consistent thumping sounds in my ear, putting me to sleep like a lullaby.

I thought I knew what was coming. I thought to myself that Sean and I would continue having moments together, maybe we would make things official, maybe we wouldn't care—but when I walk into school Monday morning, I know immediately that things can't be so simple.

I walk through the doors and everyone's eyes are on me. It is like my secret affair with a teacher has come to light, or like one of my eyes is painted black by Jen Bridge's fist. There must be a reason behind the glances and whispers and waves, and the only thing that comes to mind is the fact that I took ecstasy. But that wouldn't be a big deal, not when girls are dancing at house parties with blood smeared under their noses. Not when girls like Valentina have purses acting as drug vending machines.

When I get to calculus, Prisha taps my shoulder, and I turn to her with my bag on my lap. "Hey, Danielle," she says, "you have to tell me if what I'm hearing is true."

"What are you hearing?" I ask, thinking that she may know the reason behind the staring.

"That you and Sean are together. You went to homecoming together, right? And Cameron's party?"

"We went to homecoming together, yeah. And the party, but I don't know if we're actually together. Who told you?"

She shrugs. "Just a friend, but that's what everyone is assuming. Personally, I think you two would be so cute together. Way better than him and Jen. I mean, at least you're not an evil bitch."

I slowly nod. "Right. Well, thanks."

I power on through the rest of my classes until lunch. Sean warned me that I may feel a little depressed as the effects wear off because of a drop in serotonin, and I felt it hard yesterday, barely leaving my room after he took me home. Thankfully, today is going better, and school is keeping me busy—distracting me—especially with this rumor of sorts spreading.

Alisha and Becca are sat at our table, and I look over to Nick's table to find Allison. She's cozy beside him, her head resting against him, her hands grasp firmly around his arm. It makes me smile. Allison deserves to be with someone who appreciates her. I was getting tired of seeing her chasing guys when they should be the ones chasing her.