The Feel of Water

Twenty-Nine - Drowning on Dry Land

The rain from yesterday hasn't lifted, and it continues to downpour as I walk to school. The pitter-patter of raindrops against Aunt Tammy's umbrella is all that sounds in my empty head. As I wait at the crosswalk for the little white man to light up, my eyes follow the edge of the umbrella to its center, where it all comes together, and I mindlessly let it fall to the side. The umbrella collides with my calf. My face stays pointed upward at the sunless sky. Raindrops splatter on my face, hitting my cheek, and brow, and ear until there is no spot left dry. It dampens my hair, my clothes, my shoes until I realize that the little man has lit up and flashed away.

I press the button again and wait, leaving the umbrella at my side.

When I get to school, my shoes squeak against the vinyl tiles, and I leave the umbrella in my locker. Sean hasn't spoken to me since that night. I waited the entire day yesterday, unable to pay attention to my teachers because I was too busy checking my phone and staring at the door. While at my locker, I peered down the hall as if he was going to come strutting over any second, stop in front of me, and say something—anything. And lunch was the worst. It was raining; he couldn't have been outside, but he wasn't at our table or anyone else's.

Nothing my friends told me made me feel any better. Something is wrong, and nothing anyone says can make me think otherwise.

"Yeah, it's going to be after the game next Friday. Bring anyone you want—it's probably gonna get pretty wild," Cameron says at his locker across the hall from mine. I slowly close my door and secure the textbook held against my chest. When I turn to make my way to calculus, something immediately halts me. I run into a body that drags my mind directly to thoughts of Sean, but when I peer up and see it's him, I'm still surprised. I suck in a breath of air and stare at his face.

"Hey," he says, guilty and very aware he's done wrong. "How have you—"

"Where have you been?" I ask.

Sean scratches the back of his neck. "I know. I know I've been an ass, okay? Things are just a little crazy right now."

"Did I...do something wrong?"

He looks to me then glances off as if it's painful for him. I bring both my arms around my book, holding myself more than it. "No," he says, "you didn't do anything. I just have a lot on my mind."

"It's Jen, isn't it? I saw you two in the parking lot yesterday. If it's her, you have to just tell me. Please."

"We're just friends, Dani."

"Do you still love her?"

Sean takes a breath. "We've been over this. I care about her. That's all."

"Then I don't understand," I blurt. "W-Why do things feel different? Why are you being all distant? Is it because we, you know?"

"No. It's not that. I just need some time for things to settle down. Quarterfinals are next week and I have a lot going on."

I swallow, nod, and mutter, "Whatever, Sean," before moving past him and hurrying down the hall, unable to stand and hear another word without throwing my book to the floor. The desire to hear him call after me comes to the front of my mind, but he doesn't. He lets me go.

Becca's mom's wedding is today. I borrow one of Emilie's old dresses and ride with Allison and Alisha to the country club. Becca's family was never a country-club family, but when Taylor came into the picture, things changed. Suddenly they were going on trips to Mexico where Taylor had timeshares, and going out for dinner no longer was reserved for special occasions. Becca's dad was never really in the picture, and the income of a single mother meant living on a tight budget, but when we assumed Becca would be welcoming to vacations and steak dinners, she only described the ways that Taylor utterly annoyed her.