The Feel of Water

Eighteen - I Feel Him

I walk out of the bathroom, unsure of what exactly I just did. All I know is that I don't want to feel this terrible feeling in my gut anymore. The music has switched from slow songs and has gone back to face-paced ones. Everyone is jumping and shouting and grabbing onto each other.

I-I think I made a mistake. I don't think I should have taken that-that small pink tablet. Why did it have a heart on it? Are we supposed to feel loved? Will I feel loved?

When will I start to feel it? What will I feel?

"Dani!"

I quickly turn to the side. Sean jogs over, causing me to stand straight, pretend that what just happened didn't happen. "Hey, I've been looking for you," he says, reaching me.

"I've just been around," I mutter. "Did-did you see someone? What were you doing?"

"I talked to Jen, actually," he says, doing the opposite of what I expected. "I apologized for everything and she did too. Sorry I ran off on you, but, well I thought life would be easier if Jen and I were on good terms."

It's like I can feel the tablet dissolving and dispersing inside of me. I stare at him, caught off-guard. "Y-You did? Oh, well, that's great. I'm glad."

"Everything alright?" Sean asks.

I nod. "Yeah, of course. I'm just surprised, that's all. From what happened last night, I thought just seeing her got to you let alone apologizing."

"Hey, I'm trying to be better."

I'm tempted to ask him why, but it's for selfish reasons. It's because I'm hoping it's for me. I'm hoping he's as attached to me as I am to him, which seems unlikely because just the sight of him makes me feel warm inside. When he looks at me, or holds my hand, or teases me, or kisses me, or says-

"So, how about we check out Cameron's party? I've heard that's where everyone is heading," Sean says, bringing me back.

"Cameron is having a party? Yeah, let's go."

As we make our way out of the gardens, Sean grabs my hand. I glance down, worried that I'm going to start feeling strange any minute now. Students steadily start to drain out, walking from the venue, into the parking lot. Some people yell; others purposely squeal their tires. I think to Valentina's words, that everyone is on something. I wonder just how true that statement is.

Sean squeezes my hand, sending me a pulse. I peer up at him. "Yeah?"

"Did something happen while I was gone?"

"Why? What's wrong?"

He shrugs. "You just seem a little spacey. Are you sure you want to go to the party?"

"Yeah, I do," I assure him, "and I'm fine, really. Nothing happened. Just hold my hand."

Sean stops and turns to me. "Did someone do something to you?"

"Sean, I just said nothing happened."

"But you feel unsafe," he says. He must have picked that up from me wanting him to hold my hand.

I bite my cheek. "Can we go to the car? I'd rather talk there."

Sean takes a breath and leads me to his truck, not stopping for anything. He opens my door for me, helps me in, and pauses for a second before closing it. Once he's in as well, he looks to me. I can see it in his eyes; he doesn't have to say it. He wants me to talk-now.