The Existence of a Disaster

Creative Writing: Focus On The Galaxy

> 4-27-2020 <

I'm so fucking tired of not being in reality.

"How would you know if you've never been there to begin with?"
Well you see, I'm not a complete imbecile - my brain comprehends that it's not where it should be. That it is so far out of its element that it sometimes attempts to self destruct, hoping somehow it will respawn back where it was originally meant to be.

"What does it feel like?"
In short, It just feels....wrong. Like i'm constantly living in a dream world where everything is just slightly off kilter. Quite honestly, a nightmare that's impossible to wake up from.

"You'll learn to live with it - everyone has something and most people end up just fine."
How can you expect someone to ever be a functioning human (let alone an 'okay' human) when they can't even comprehend who they are?
When their brain screams at them that 'something is deathly wrong' anytime their own hand touches their skin?
When they glance at a mirror and immediately feel the obliteration of their equilibrium because they don't recognize the person looking back at them?
When their brain repeats "separate entity from body" "not human" 24/7?

"I" don't exist. My consciousness exists and the human facade that only sometimes shares physical sensory information exists. The human that I keep getting told you know well- I'm assuming is the inaccessible collaboration between those two. As far as I'm concerned, I'm inhabiting a body that is living out the life my brain will never have while my brain is forever living a never ending nightmare.

Memory is sketchy at best. I don't remember myself. I remember snapshots of consciousness and if I'm lucky, an outsider's perspective of an image based so-called memory. It's practically amnesia to the extreme- so much so that my experience has been likened to that of someone in a prolonged coma.

I'm not supposed to see the so-called memories as if I was standing off to the side, watching it happen?
I'm supposed to see things from my perspective and not as if i'm a stranger watching someone's home videos?
I hate to disappoint... but I can't. I can't and that's what terrifies me. It's not possible because my brain pressed the eject button. "I can't and won't do this."

"Don't you remember....?"
I can't remember that I'm human most days - how am I expected to remember what it was like to be 9 years old, living out what most people would consider "a sad excuse for a childhood"?
It's so uncomfortable. The consciousness is uncomfortable and I can't really blame it. I would be a little uneasy if everything- even something as simple as being able to feel air on your feet from a nearby fan- made you feel like you're being stabbed. It's incredibly overwhelming and it hurts. I wouldn't want to be connected to the facade if it enhanced that, either.

Because of the differentiations between the consciousness and facade - The brain feels more. A heightened nervous system - that eventually self-destructed causing more pain.

Just imagine for a moment, by some miraculous circumstance, your piloting a spacecraft.
Cool right?
But.....there's a twist - you don't have any maps, instructions or controls.
So now, you're piloting a spacecraft in an environment that could easily kill you. You've been forced into a situation that's extremely dangerous without your consent. There's no way out. Now. REMAIN CALM! Because even though you feel the weight of your own existence weighing you down like your holding the entire earth on your shoulders - you must keep up the appearance that you know exactly what you're doing and that everything is just peachy.

It's not all bad though. I think deeper more frequently - Highs are simply euphoric. I'm impacted more greatly by mental stimulation, able to comprehend without the distractions that people complain about.

Even when you're stuck in a spacecraft that has its own challenges, you're still surrounded by stars. You can still view the galaxy. Just focus on the galaxy; On the expectation of vast possibilities and ignore the inevitable.

"That's so depressing. That's no way to live! Don't be so blind to your situation. Think of the plebeian life and learn to live with it."
I think this writing piece proves that whole spiel incorrect.
I see the good. I'm aware of the bad. There's absolutely nothing wrong with appreciating the stars even when the world around you feels like it's falling apart. I choose to just focus on the galaxy.