> 10-8-2020 <
> Loosely Based On: Hallucinogenics by Matt Maeson <
I'm tired of feeling unloveable and unworthy just because my nervous system decided to rebel against my body.
I'm sick of being looked down upon because I'm a fucking teenager who's body is convinced that it's constantly being electrocuted deeming me unable to do simple tasks.
My inclination to trip on hallucinogenics to try and escape this sad excuse for an existence is weighing me down more than the illness itself is.
I'm sick of the cravings and tired of the dirty looks I get when I say that the medication in the form of vapor and burning liquor might just soothe the feeling of steel wool being dragged down my calves.
———————-
"Have you prayed about it?"
Let me take you back to a memory of me at the mere age of 11 - Let me paint you a clear fucking picture. Imagine this:
I'm sitting on my ass (because god forbid I kneel down on the needles that are supposed to be my knees) begging god to just give me one day to be normal - just one fucking day where I did not have to think about wether I'll be able to stand in line at the store without having to go sit in the car and cry about the fact that my arms and legs feel like I've run a damn marathon.
To not dwell on the fact that they didn't invite me like they did all the other kids because they knew I wouldn't be able to stand and they didn't want to have to stop and wait for my legs to start supporting me again.
One day to be able to sit down and not have to readjust forty-seven fucking times because my back is being struck down by Thor's damn hammer.
Just one day to be a kid. To not have to worry about how I'm going to hide it today - to not have to daydream about the relief of seeing my chiropractor again.
So to answer your idiotic fucking question - yes I prayed.
Yet here I am 6 years later - bitching about the fact that no one could love me because my own fucking nervous system decided that I'll never be anything more than the human that can't function.
YOU ARE READING
The Existence of a Disaster
PoesíaA collection of Poems, Random Writing, Rants and Creative Writing Pieces. ⚠️ Warning ⚠️ READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED Please see "Trigger Warnings" before reading as this book is extremely graphic.
