social media life .

part 20

Thank you for 800 reads in just 6 days!

It had been a few weeks since me and samy broke up we told our fans and i thought they would understand which some of them did but most of them were hate comments i tried to ignore them but when i posted more of josh they would comment things like hoe and she is the cheater and to kill my self.

I think everyone in the house has noticed because i havent been making content with any of them but ive been posting pictures and liking depressed posts and sad tweets, ive been quiet and not myself around them i have started to self harm because i dont know what else to do, last week i made a tiktok with josh and anthony and the comments were all hate and one of them said she probably cheated on josh and then she cheated on samy know she is going back to josh and others were like josh and samy deserve better than that, that was when i started to self harm and i started crying myself to sleep every night . I dont want anyone to know so ive been wearing hoodies and covering my arms alot and wearing makeup to cover my puffy eyes.

Today we were having a meeting at the sway house no one knows what its about but some of the hype house members were also gonna come to the house i think it was charli, chase, addison , mads and i think madi but thats all i can remember off the top of my head. I wore joggers and one of joshs hoodies which he gave to me ages ago, i put my hair in a messy bun and i didnt bother with makeup because i cant be bothered i dont care if they see my red eyes but i put on my glasses just incase, i think im getting better i havent self harmed in two days and i hated it but i feel so alone and no one would care if i was gone would they thats probably why josh cheated on me because i was worthless.

When i got into the living room , everyone from the sway house was there so i think they were just waiting for the hype house and our manager they were sitting on both of the couches so i just sat in the chair . Everyone was silent and they were all dressed but it didnt bother me jaden asked if i was ok and i just mumbled i was fine. After a few minutes the hype house came and charli,addison, madi and mads had came also daisy came . They all smiled and hugged me and i just fake smiled when charli hugged me she said it will get better i was happy someone understood so i said thank you yu didnt know how much i needed to hear that. Josh wasnt talking to me that much ,i dont know why tho it wasnt like he was getting any hate he didnt even get hate when he cheated on me they just moved on. Everyone was talking to each other and waiting for our manager but i just sat there staring at my phone i felt so upset for some reason and tears filled my eyes i didnt let them fall because i didnt want everybodys attention to be on me a tear fell but i quickly wiped it away before anyone could see.

After about two hours our manager finally came he said he was stuck in traffic but after apologising like 10,000 times i was getting quite irratated and so was everybody else so i just said yhyh can yu get on with it everyone looked at me but it wasnt like any of them were going to say it. He finally went on to say we were going to the bahamas in a week everyone was excited but i wasnt in the mood i just fake smiled and went to my room and got a blade and cut 3 more lines i accidently cut one too deep and blood was dripping everywhere i screamed into my pillow and put my hoodie sleeve down to cover it i ran downstairs and into the kitchen to find some towels as i got in charli saw my hoodie sleeve drenched in blood i ran but she followed me she ran into my room with more towels and tried to clean me up but the blood wasnt stopping she slowly took me to the hospital but when everyone asked where me and her went i begged her not to say anything so she said we went to the mall.

She stayed with me and made me promise not to do it again i did she told me everyone from today was staying at the sway house for the night so she told them we were going to the hype house. She stayed with me all night and the doctor cleaned my cuts she said i didnt need stiches because they didnt go that deep so she put a bandage on it , i asked charli to give me her hoodie because i didnt want the sway house to know what happened and i definitely didnt want them to see my cuts she agreed and took me back to the house she couldnt come in because she had a meeting today so i just gave her my number and went inside .
1 was going to keep my promise and not self harm again, i said hi to everyone and had some breakfast i wasnt ready to go back on social media . I didnt know what was up with josh he seemed like he was avoiding me so i went to talk to him i sat next to him and had a covo with him it was dry asf. I dont think he cared .

I snatched his phone from him so know he was paying attention to me.
J-gimme my phone
M-i will but first talk to me
J-k ... how r u
He said while rolling his eyes, i knew he wouldnt care so i just gave him back his phone and went to the others.
They were all talking about how excited they were for the bahamas and i was excited to but we always go somewhere when im not in the mood or something.

A few days later
Today me and the rest of the girls (who were going to the bahamas)were going shopping for bikinis and stuff . I wore a cute sweatshirt that covered my arms because if i just wore a hoodie again they would have asked me what was wrong. I wore ripped jeans, did some light makeup and curled my hair to make it look like beach waves. When we met up i hugged them all and i talked to some of them but mostly charli because yk she knew what happened .

The rest of the girls were going to get something for their boyfriends and stuff so me and charli went to dunkin, i really trusted her and felt like i could tell her everything , avani said she would text us when they have finished with their gifts and stuff. We both sat down and drank our iced coffee she asked how i was and looked at my arm i took the bandage of but the cuts were still healing , i ennded up telling her why me and samy broke up and that i wanted to be with josh again because i thought he wanted to aswell but now he is really distant and stuff. She told me that me and samy were great blah blah blah but if i really wanna be with josh i had to say something but i wasnt going to tell him just yet.

When we got home i put all my bags away and had a movie night with charli because i literally forced her to stay we had fun and we took loads of pictures. We made tiktoks and we had facemasks on and we were stuffing our faces with snacks. We eventually fell asleep the next day she stayed for a little while but then she had to go back to the hype house because she had a photoshoot or something. I decided to start packing because i dont wanna have to rush and do it all at the end and i wasnt really that busy anyway and we were laving in two days so i thought i would just have chill days .