I'm ADHD (a random book)

So I Officially Hate My Subconcious Now

Or wherever my dreams come from.

Normally when I have a dream, even if the dream is pretty dang horrible, I'll wake up and be able to calm down relatively quickly and go back to sleep. Not last night, noooo. Nope.

So I honestly don't know how much of my dream was me awake and hallucinating and how much was a dream, but basically it was another trapped in a dream sort of dream, but I was just stuck in my bed and I could hear people moving around in the living room and kitchen outside my door or out in the window, and the few times in my dreams dreams where I could get out of bed horrible things tried to come at me. I'm not going to try to describe any of it because I'm trying to forget.

Whenever I would wake myself up in a panic, the dream would suck me back in. I cannot fall asleep quickly, so the fact that I would wake up in a huge panic (and I know that I was actually awake and not in a dream, I can usually tell when I'm awake) and then my eyes would immediately slip closed and I would be back in that terrifying limbo is kind of freaky.

The second to last time I woke up before I decided enough was enough, I looked up to see this thing hovering over me. It kind of looked like a skeleton made of black smoke. I closed my eyes immediately and yanked my blanket over my head and when I opened my eyes a few seconds later I saw the smoke thing swirl in on itself and then just disappear.

I have no idea if it was my imagination of what, but it wasn't sleep paralysis because I could 100% move, and I know I was awake when I saw it.

I fell asleep one more time and basically woke up in a full blown panic attack.

I, an 18 year old, when to my parents' room.

My dad gave me his phone with a 24/7 calming music video on YouTube and a blanket and pillow and said I could sleep there. I ended up going on the live chat of the video (at 4:30 am) and just talking with a bunch of people on there. We ended up telling jokes and it really helped.

I've never been terrified to go to sleep before. Never. I did eventually calm down enough to go to sleep and I actually slept in until 9:30, which I can NEVER do.

So yeah I feel messed up.

How are you guys?