Death.
In all honesty, I wouldn't treat that as something new. I'm always associated with death anyways, my mother's murder and Jaehyun's disease. A part of me wanted to be numb whenever someone leaves me permanently but because I'm the one left, I have to keep going.
Actually, that part sucks, the fact that I have to deal with endless comforts, the 'whys' and extend my time of adjusting just so I can move on. I plant in my mind that I have to be strong but my human side tells me that it's okay to falter for a while. And I hate it when they never say goodbye.
Those days back when Jaehyun was alive, I was just too blind to see his pain. I thought he was joking or he's just having a mild cough that can be cured by over-the-counter drugs. And that resulted to me, finding him at our once shared apartment, on the floor and not breathing anymore. I thought that the worst thing that I saw was my mother's corpse with a bullet hole on her head but right now? It was the part that I am lowkey visualizing that I might restart my present.
I blinked twice from her sentence.
"I'm sick. I think I'm going to die soon."
She told me that she was sick.
It was a lot to take.
Seulgi was always serious. I never got to see her be humorous—well, apart from her sarcastic jokes, yes. I stared at her eyes for a minute and reminisce the scene when I got to talk to her back then at the orphanage alone.
I wasn't into her. My first love was Miyoung. But she had that energy that was like a match. It helped lit up my smile. I offered her a sunflower as a sign of thanks because I felt like she and her mother did save me from all of the realizations in my head, that when we reach twelve, Jaehyun and I should leave the orphanage.
When she left that day, I wanted to see Seulgi again. But she never came back.
Her mother would but she didn't.
But that doesn't matter. We were kids back then, the emotions that were counted was what I felt for her these past few days.
And now I hear that she's going away again.
"Was that the reason why you push me away?" I asked her. My tone was serious. At the back part of my head, I see her reasons even though she's not yet telling me why.
Seulgi nodded and distanced herself away from me. We were apart for a few inches but she had my heart in between her hands like her unlit cigarette that she used to hold. "Did it hurt?" Her question was frank and my answer was genuine. "So much."
"Now that you know, you can change your plans. You've had enough sad stories. I don't want to be your climax." Seulgi confessed and I see her sincerity. I don't know how should I respond or how would I organize my thoughts.
I want her. I want to be with her.
But what if it's already time? What if she goes back with a train back home?
I guess, I'm alone again.
Should I ride this moment?
