-Natasha's POV-
Not to long after the sparring session with Steve I'm back in my room. I go and take a shower. Afterwards I begin to get dressed, like most times I'm standing infront of the mirror in a sports bra. I trace the scars that cover me. Each one dragging out a new horror. Each one has its own story. My fingers find the one on the lower left of my abdomen. The one left after a confrontation with James. I can't believe he is still out there. Let alone Yelena. Who I thought I killed. With that thought my fingers glide over a small scar on my collar bone. A mark which Yelena had left all those years ago.
Then it happens again. This happens sometimes. At random moments I get lucid flashbacks. They feel all too real. My head spins and my vision blurs. I fall back against the wall and sink down. Uncontrolled tears fall down my face. My body shakes. I can feel everything. Unwanted hands on me, and knifes to my throat a gun's trigger resting below my finger. I don't know why this happens. Maybe it's the brainwashing the Red Room did or maybe it's bad karma. All I know is that it sucks and hate feeling so weak. So usless and pathetic. If only Madame B or Ivan could see me now.
"Pathetic pretending to fail." I feel those words sink into me and drown my thoughts. There's no way to stop these moments. All I can is curl into a ball and try not to cry.
It takes some time to gather myself. I probably should of stuck with going to see a psychiatrist. But after my past scared the last one so bad she quit; I decided not to burden another. Deep down I know nothing can help. Although Steve seems to remise the pain temporarily. It's not wise to depend on others. Everyone eventually leaves. No matter how hard you try to keep them. I guess thats the reason why I could never tell Steve I love him. Love has a price I can't afford. I can't afford to be left. So I stick with my walls. They stand strong around me. They need to be built back up. Higher this time. I can't let Steve get closer to me. I'll get hurt. Or worse Steve will get hurt.
With those thoughts I pick myself up off the tile floor. I stand strong and sturdy. Unflinching. I finish getting dressed and I head back up to the kitchen.
-Steve's POV-
After I train the trainees with Maria and Clint. I decide to go up to the kitchen. When I get there the Nat is sitting on the couch in living room. From what I can tell she is reading and she is wearing the green sweater she had on in Russia. She doesn't bother to say hi to me. I make myself a cup of coffee then I go over to her.
"Hey," I start.
"Rogers," She nods.
"I want a rematch later," I smirk
"Don't count on it," Her tone is straight and smooth.
"Nat whats wrong. Talk to me," I place a hand on her knee. She swats my hand away. She places the book down and jogs out of the room. I hesitate at first but then I go after her.
"Nat wait!" I call out.
"Stay away Rogers," She blurts out. I quickly catch up to her and I grab her wrist.
"Steve please," She pleads with sorrow. I don't understand this. One minute we are cuddled up on her bed the next she's stonewalling me. She pushes me away and runs towards the stairs. I don't know how to help her. Is this normal? Did I do something wrong. Crap. Maybe I should of read into her phyce eval. I head back to the kitchen where Tony and Clint are at the kitchen counter.
"Hey Cap don't take it personally, she gets like that," Clint comforts as I sit next to them.
"Uh oh is the crazy leaking out? I'll get the padded room ready. You guys get her the Vodka," Tony attempts to joke. I give him a sturn glare.
"I just wish I could help her," I sigh.
"It's best to just leave her alone."
"Don't tell her I told you but. Sometimes Tasha gets these flashbacks. Except they are almost real to her. It's almost like she's having a lucid dream," Clint whispers.
"Does it happen alot?" I ask.
"It's always random. But it seems tramatic. Like she relives her past," He explains.
"Thank you," I nod.
"And Tony don't be an asshole. She could kill you with her eyes closed," I huff.
"Language Cap," He replys. I want to knock his teeth out for joking about her like that. Instead I leave. I head down to the garage and I jump on my motorcycle.
-Natasha's POV-
I hate how I feel. I hate feeling. I miss the days where I could be like this and be rewarded not regretful. No I don't. I don't miss anything about that life. I inwardly scoff at my thoughts. Now that I'm back to me. I take the elevator to Fury's office. Once I'm there I don't knock. Instead I burst in. A recruit seems to be getting interviewed.
"Leave," I direct at the newbie. He shudders with fright and scurries out of the office. I may not be a full on assassin anymore, but I still have my reputation.
"Romanoff what the hell!" Fury exclaims.
"I need a few personal days." I pause.
"And a Quinjet," I finish.
"Romanoff you can't just burst in here and an-," He stumbles over his words.
"Natasha if you need help with something you can just ask," He gets out.
"I have a few things I need to take care of,"
"Damnit Romanoff. Be smart. Don't get killed," Fury huffs. He opens a desk drawer and throws me a set of keys.
"Thanks Nick. I'll see ya later," I fake laugh.
I may not have thought it through. But what I do know is that I'm not just gonna sit around and wait to be killed. I'm bringing the fight to the Red Room. And I have an idea of who may want to help.
Sorry bit of a slow chapter.
Let me know what you think.
Thanks for reading!
-Your author Ellie
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Learning to Love
Fanfic•Completed• Natasha Romanoff the infamous Black Widow, has settled into her new life working for S.H.I.E.L.D. She has found a family in the Avengers. She has everything she wants. She finds herself starting to feel. Feelings that she was never allow...
