Failing to be his beloved (Damian Wayne robin x reader)

Thinking

——big warning chapter——

Since all the boys have stuff to do today and I'm waiting on my suit to be made, I went to the go on the aerial hoop today, I set my playlist to random and started off on the ground laying down, I start warming up and by the fifth song I decide I'll dance the sixth. The song"Dark enough" comes on I start by sliding to a sitting position, when the chords start I stand, I reach my hand up and grab the hoop, I do a spin, and  raise myself to tuck, I wrap a leg on the hoop, I let go with one arm and hang a second while I spin, the lyrics start "there is a girl..."
I turn myself out and straighten my leg my foot catching the other side of the hoop, I bend my other leg holding my arm into me my arm relaxes and starts to wave around. Keeping bending my leg again I let go of the hoop with my other arm. I feel free, I straighten my other leg up, and bend it onto the hoop and hang I release my arms to fall a little, I sit up grabbing the edges of the hoop I swing my legs back and forth,"how does someone so..."
I pull my legs up holding onto the hoop I bend one into the hoop against the edge while laying my back against the other side I balance and send an arm to each at syllable of loving I pull my arms in I raise my other leg and bend it higher than the other as I put my hands behind my back arching it the opposing arm higher than it's leg I slowly pull myself back until "dark enough" I sit there for a second the singing continues I reach both arms up letting my legs fall, I swing them to catch momentum, I tuck, wrapping one leg around the silk holding up the hoop I let my other leg fall into the hoop, that is now at an angle I bend back and grab the hoop, I sit there for the rest of the verse, as the chorus comes back, I move my hands to the top, I strengthen my leg and I'm doing the splits, I sit there, half way through the chorus, I move my other leg to sit on the top of the hoop,when the 3rd verse starts I swing myself back through the hoop catching the top, my legs straight, I raise them so when I fly back through they are parallel to the hoop. Straighten out my body when I fly back I bend my knees up to land by the hips onto the hoop, I straighten my legs arms on either side of me I put my arms to either side of me and kinda super man but, not. I zone out for the rest of the song thinking while I dance. I'm thinking specifically about how happy the girl went from being to... well dead. Then I start wondering would anyone really miss me if I was dead. I don't think they would. I mean what hell have I actually given. None. They didn't even want me here in the first place. Maybe I would be a good idea if i was dead. How would I die though...I could kill myself.How would I want to die though...how would I even kill myself...what would I wear...what would my note say...would I write a note...
The song finishes I get off the hoop and turn off the music thinking as I walk to my room. I see Richard in the hall. I get to my room. I get in and shower changing into comfy clothes. I head down to dinner. Everyone is there except Bruce. I sit down it's Mac n cheese I eat a little bit. Standing up I say,"excuse me" I push in my chair and start to leave"good night" I say my voice isn't as chipper as usual. I get to my room and use the laptop I got recently, I research ways to kill myself, I plan to wear the nice black dress I got recently for visiting my mama and papas graves . I go to my art stuff, I scribbled down some words..."- to who ever has the luck of finding this-
i was thinking today, and it came to my attention that I haven't really been anything but a burden since I got here. I hope no body finds this, and I'm sorry if you do.
- y/n "
I put it on my bed after cleaning up my stuff I put on my dress, and I walk out to the garden, I keep walking till I find the cliff that leads into a cave, I drop a rock it seems far enough to kill me, I stand their for a second, what would mama think...that doesn't matter she's dead...it was my fault she died wasn't it. I sit down on the edge, and pull my feet up to my chest I sit there and cry,this has always been something I though about...I never thought I'd really take any action.I sit there the suns down and the stars are out now. It's beautiful. I stand up facing the stars about to lean back to drop myself when I see something in the edge next to the cave move... it startles me and I lose my footing, It feels like the air is holding me, It feels nice for a split second I think this is the best I've ever felt, then I realize... I'm not falling anymore, I open my eyes I see Jason holding me by the arm , he pulls me up... I'm in shock."what the fuck Jason." He looks stunned, I don't usually cuss at him. He screams at me,"What the FUCK were you thinking." I cry and try to push myself off him so I can jump, but he just pulls me in and holds me there. I'm trapped. "Let me go...let me go...please...let me"in crying. I'm crying so hard. ,"what were you trying to do." I don't know how to respond,"I...I...i...was going to kill myself.i don't deserve to live." He loosens his grip on me."yes you do, I know from experience death is not pleasant. Everyone deserves to live, even though you might not think it, but everyone deserves to live. I sink to the ground. I'm a weak mess. "How did you find me." He looks at me,"everyone thought you were acting different at dinner, Alfred proposed we go talk to you, i was the one that went, when Alfred said you walked out in a nice dress to the garden, I knew where you were going, I had enough pieced together to know what you were going to do. I say you and froze, for a split second as you went backwards."he stands up, "come on let's go back, everyone's probably wondering what's going on, and where we are." I speak up...it only comes out as a whisper,"I don't want to tell them what happened, I don't want them to know, I just want to head straight to my room." He sighs, "first I want you to go to the infirmary,looks like you cut your leg on something out here." I nod ok. "I can fix it myself, in the infirmary." We head back , I head down to the cave, and grab some gauze and band aids and fix up my legs. Then I head to my room. I change out of my dress. I walk over to my note and just decide to leave it in a drawer in my dresser. I curl up in my bed, and stare at my wall.