Skinny Girl

Control Freak

*TRIGGER WARNING*

I'm a control freak.

That's probably why this whole thing came about.

I like to be in control.

I think that's probably something that affects my anxiety too, but that's a whole other story.

I like to know exactly what's going to happen and when.

I hate being late.

Because it's often when I'm stuck in traffic or something, or my Mum has decided it's a good time to stop and chat with Carol next door.

And it's something I can't control.

I hate when something goes wrong because I haven't controlled it.

But my eating was, and still is, something I can control.

I get to control lots of things.

I can control the amount of calories I eat.

I can control the amount of calories I burn.

I can control who sees me eating and who doesn't, which controls who is worried about me and who isn't.

I can control how much I weigh each day.

I'm ashamed to say it, but I love this feeling of control.

I'm terrified that someone will realise my problem.

Because then they will come along and take away the control.

They will make me eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.

They will force me to stop exercising.

And I won't have any control over it.

As I said before, not being in control often causes my anxiety attacks.

I can't imagine how horrible it must be if I couldn't be in control of my eating either.

There would be no control anymore.

And I'm not sure what I would do if it was all taken away from me.