Mare's Nests

December

"His new girlfriend looks just like you"

"Huh?"

"You mean Zev?"

"She's like a blonde version of you"

I stared at my ceiling. The conversation with Isla earlier kept on repeating in my brain. I toss around and buried my face in my pillow. Not a moment later, my phone vibrated. I stared at Ricci's message.

They said I should give him a chance and that's why I'm still hanging around with him. I thought everything is going smoothly with my feelings right now but.. turns out I'm still as indecisive as before.

If Zev's girlfriend looks exactly like me then does that mean I'm still in his mind? Stupid, of course he followed you for years he just can't forget you that easily. If that is the case, why? Why am I so happy right now?

I closed my eyes and tried to collect my thoughts. How do I feel about Ricci? About Zev?.
I.. I need to make a decision now don't I?

"Hey"

I looked at the door and saw my cousin standing there.

"When did you got here?"

"Just a little while ago"

"You're so deep in thought, it was hard to get your attention. Wanna go on a road trip?"

I grinned at him, he does look like he's about to go somewhere.

"You do know that I'm a graduating student right?"

"Agh you and your superstitious beliefs, it's not really far. I also want you to meet someone"

I looked at my phone.

"Okay but all expense should be covered by you"

"That's already a given fact"

There's no use wallowing over it. I need to think about it carefully.
In the end along with my other cousins, we went to a flower farm in the middle of the night.

"This is Samantha, my girlfriend"

She's pretty but that's not why I'm jealous. Her smile, it was sparkling. It was a genuine type of smile, one that I cannot do right now.

"There's some food and coffee inside you should have some"

My cousin nudge me to take a step. I let out a sigh and followed them inside.

"So you've been dating for five months and you haven't told us anything?"

"I did have my doubts that you're probably seeing someone"

I glance outside the window, the moon is in full bloom tonight.

"Hey I'm gonna go outside for a sec"

"Oh don't go too far"

"I won't"

I took out my phone and captured the scenery in that farm at night. The moon shining over those flowers look so stunning. I sat by their front porch and read my conversation with Ricci.
Do I really like him? Or is he just another fling. Or maybe I was just going with him because he's been my friend.

"I really don't know anymore"

"So you are bothered by something"

I looked behind me and saw my cousin coming out of the door. He was about to lit a cigarette when I glared at him.

"You know that I'm having a hard time breathing right now right?"

He laughed at me before returning the cigarette in his pocket.

"Slipped out of my mind, so? Is it a boy? Yeah it's got to be a boy"

I let out another sigh before telling him the story.

"So you're torn between a boy you never met and a boy that seems like every girl's dream? If you ask me the answer to that is pretty simple"

Of course it will never be the guy whom I never met. That fact I was already sure of.

"But you know, it's your feelings we're talking about."

I looked at him and he was already smiling at me.

"To know that you're being bothered by these things right now I guess you really have grown up"

Stupid, that's not what I wanted to hear.

"The guy who's courting you right now and the guy who followed you for years before. You don't really need to make a choice. You just need to sort out your feelings and be honest for once."

"Honest"

"Yeah, you see that's your flaw. You're never honest with yourself. You don't need to hold back right now Mnemosyne. If someone judges you let them. The important thing is that you're honest with how you truly feel"

Somehow what he said kind of made sense.

"If you want to be genuinely happy, you first need to be honest and accept your own feelings and faults whole heartedly"

He stood up and gave me a pat on the top of my head.

"I know you'll be able to do it"

Be honest huh? So that was what's wrong with me.

But why? Just what am I afraid of? I stared at the night sky, I tried to clear up my mind. And as I do one person remained.

Zev.

"Ahh"

I felt my tears welling up. I buried my face in my knees. So that's what this is. I fished out my phone and dialed Isla's number.

"Hey what's up? It's almost 12 you know"

"Sorry were you sleeping?"

"As if, my insomnia is kicking in again so the answer is no"

"I need to tell you something. I.. I like Zev"

Yeah that's what this is. That's why up until now, I can't take guys seriously.

"I'm sorry even though I told you guys that falling for someone you never met is ridiculous. I was one to talk."

"How can you say that?"

"You said he followed me around before right? Which means even the craziest expression that I hide, he must've seen it incidentally. My sloppy appearance, the foul words I say constantly and the random crazy gestures I made he must've seen them all."

Those things are the things that I'm not confident about and the stuff that I don't want the guys I like to see, he already have seen them all.

"I'm pathetic am I? Because of someone like him, I can't properly look at other guys right now. The same thought appears, the thought that they will never be enough compared to Zev"

"You think so highly of him Mnemosyne"

I smiled bitterly as I felt my tears run down my cheeks.

"Yeah and I kind of hate myself because of that"

I have never met him before, never talked to him, never saw his face but I'm in this kind of situation because of him.

"Why are you only saying this now?"

"I was afraid. I was afraid that I might lose you. You're also hurting right now aren't you?"

Maybe you're also blaming yourself. With thoughts like if only you didn't told me about him and the likes of it maybe I won't be like this right now.

"But Isla I don't want you to feel burden. Somehow I know, somehow I would be able to move on. And this feelings they'll be buried for good but for now, please let me like him a little longer"

Let me live in this fantasy of mine a little longer.