Forever - Johnny Cade

Chapter 19:

Facing the guys wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. They all pretended like nothing happened, which I appreciated deeply.

It was three days after that... incident, and I'm still... bleeding.

Darry explained to me that I will get a lot of mood swings, but I didn't think he was this serious.

One minute I was sad because I saw someone run over a bird with their car, the next happy because Mickey is on TV, and then right after sad again because I wanted chips, but the house didn't have any. That was all in the same day!

But at least all of those mood swings had a little reasoning behind them, but now? Now I'm sitting on my bed sad for no reason.

It was pathetic really.

I was clutching a pillow tightly to my chest as I stared into a wall.

It was only the afternoon, and I've been like this since this morning.

One good thing that comes out of this period thing, is that I have something else to blame for my overwhelming sadness.

I'm always used to putting the blame on my depression, now I can blame it on something else, and feel normal.

I decided that it was time to stop sulking and to actually do something productive to make me feel less useless, so I decided to clean my room.

It wasn't that messy to begin with, I just have to make my bed, clean up some clothes on my floor and arrange the random papers on the desk. It's an easy simple job, that will hopefully get me out of today's funk.

I start by making my bed neatly, and placing the pillows carefully on the materess to look presentable for the next time I sleep in it.

I then pick up the random dirty clothes off the floor and put them in a pile by the door to wash later.

Now it was only time to arrange the messy papers on my desk.

I randomly start to grab some scattered papers and sort them into two piles; junk and keep.

As I'm getting closer to the end of the pile a particular piece of paper made my heart drop.

I feel my legs become weak underneath me as I start to have sudden flashbacks and memories.

Joey's drawing of me was staring me right in the eyes.

My breath was caught in my throat.

I couldn't breathe.

Just when I started to feel like myself, when I started to feel normal, and like everything was going to be okay, everything came back and pummelled me to the hard ground.

It took me so long to even start to feel something other than anguish.

Thoughts shot through my mind a million times per second, and I could feel myself beginning to finally break.

You know how to end this pain, this suffering.

A dark voice from the back of my head said as I begin to think of the worst.

The only way out.

There it was again, and it was right.

I walk over to the bedside table and open the drawer.

I stare at the silver, showing my groggy reflection.

I reach down and grab the handle.

I always kept a knife in the bedside table's drawer. That way I wouldn't have to sneak into the kitchen if I wanted to end it all.

I hide the heavy blade under my shirt the best I can and I reach out my trembling hand to open the door.

I try to be as quiet as I can so that the guys wouldn't be able to hear me. 

When I got out of my bedroom successfully with out being heard, I made my way to the bathroom, the blade getting heavier in my shirt with each step I took.

I finally reach the bathroom, only one thing on my mind, my head completely blurred.

I close and lock the door behind me, my breathing heavy.

I walk over to the bath tub, and bring my shaking leg up over the edge.

The coldness from the bottom of the tub sent goosebumps over my body.

This is real. But why does it seem so fake?

I sit down in the tub, my entire body now a quivering mess.

I grab the handle and bring the burdensome blade closer to my left wrists.

I put the slightest amount of pressure on my skin, but before I could go any deeper, my head started to play back some more memories and flashbacks.

Except, these weren't the bad ones which got me here in the first place... they were nice.

They were filled with Johnny's smiles, and laughter... even just his soft caring voice.

I could feel a tiny smile creep it's way onto my face as more flashbacks of Johnny popped up in my head.

The sound of someone gently knocking on the door made me jump, the sharp blade almost cutting into my smooth skin.

I quickly get out of the tub and put the knife down on the counter, not knowing of anywhere else to put it.

I open the door to see Johnny, standing outside of it.

He was about to greet me before he looked at me, then his face dropped slightly, "you okay?" he asks concerned.

I nod my head and try to walk out of the door, but before I could, a pair of small hands were on my wrist, pulling me back into the bathroom as gently as possible.

After Johnny pulled me back in, he turned around, and shut the door behind him.

"Why's the knife in here?" he asks with a serious tone.

My eyes slightly widened at his sudden change in tone. 

I've never heard Johnny speak in a serious tone before.

I quickly thought up a lie, "it was in here when I got in here" I tell him, trying to sound as normal as possible.

Johnny then gives me a stern glare and says, "I was just in here. There was no knife". 

I gulped.

Well? What do I say?

Before I could get a chance to think of what I would say, Johnny says, "were you going to hurt yourself?" he asks.

I take a deep breath and look up into his eyes, "I was. I wanted too... but I didn't" I tell him.

All of a sudden I was being pulled into a his arms, his warm, comforting, caring arms. I didn't hesitate to squeeze back.

I take the back of his shirt and squeeze it in my hands as I breathed in his scent, burying my head in his neck.

"We're all hurting" I say as I continue to hold onto him as if he's my life support... in a way, he is. 

"You are, Dally is, Soda, everyone. But we have each other, I realize that now" I tell him as I pull away to look him in the eyes again.

"I'm not alone... we're not alone" I say as I try to hold back my tears.

Before I could say anything else, Johnny leaned in and hastily pecked me on my lips, I didn't even have time to feel it.

He pulled back just as quickly as he leaned in, if not faster, both out eyes widening. 

We both stood their, shocked.

Johnny just... kissed me?

OUUUUU

I'll just leave this here and scadadle, BYE!