What a lot of people don't understand is that I don't “live in the past.” I just visit it frequently.
For a number of reasons.
The most predominant reason is that there are things I'm often unable to understand why certain things happened. I spend a lot of time trying to formulate explanations even though I might never know. The feelings often linger for years.
Another reason is that I'm always looking for good moments. Moments I know I had that made me feel like life is worth it. Life doesn't always feel worth it.
My therapist told me that having BPD means that I don't process trauma like people who don't have it. I have to take extra steps. While most people are naturally able to “get over it”, I have to walk myself through that process manually. And if I don't do so before the next issue, it just piles up.
Years later, in my early adulthood, I'm still trying to process things that happened as far back as 8 years old.
This journey is intense, rough and painful.
But one day it'll be rewarding.
I hope I live long enough to get there.
