Digging up old memories

Chapter 21

Jane's POV

He knew he'd gone too far when he closed the door on her in front of Kim. He kept staring at the door.

"Uh – what was that, Patrick?" asked Kim.

"Nothing," he turned and pasted on a wide grin. "Let's eat shall we. I'm starving."

Kim followed him to the sofa and pointed him with a stare.

"That was not 'nothing'," she said.

"Do you really want to talk about Lisbon right now?" he asked pointedly.

"Okay, I don't know what is going on between you two, but I'm not going to let you toy with me to get back at her," she said.

She then got up and grabbed a few containers and left with a 'good night'. He was losing his touch – but it was better this way, because he didn't know what he would have done if Kim had come on to him – he wasn't interested.

He paced the room for a while then went outside for some fresh air. He was angry at Lisbon, that hadn't happened too often. He couldn't believe what she'd said that morning after. It was skipping like a record in his head. He'd opened up to her and she threw it back in his face by saying she had no idea how he felt about her. What did she want from him... blood? How could she not see how much she meant to him. Hadn't he done enough to show her... to prove it to her. He'd brought the FBI down to their knees for her and still she doubted his feelings for her. She still didn't trust him... after all these years, after trying so hard to gain her forgiveness and trust... in the end, when the chips were down, she just didn't trust him. All of it together had cut him deep and he couldn't just pretend that he was okay.

But an hour later, like a glutton for punishment, his pacing brought him to her door. His feet betraying his will and so he knocked before he lost his nerve. She yanked open the door and stood there spitting fire from her eyes at him.

"I'm here to talk," he said and pushed his way in. She didn't provide any resistance.

"There's nothing to talk about remember – you said it's over," she said steadily.

"You know I said that in anger."

"Then maybe you can cut me some slack then – because you backed me up in a corner and I was mad too!"

"Fine! I will."

"Okay."

"Okay."

They both just stared at each other for a long time.

"Look – it's really late and I'm just going to get to the point here because I think that's what's best..." she started.

Jane spread his arms wide and said, "By all means..."

"You were being very casual about what happened between us-"

"No I wasn't!" he interrupted. "You're the one that said it was just sex and that you had no idea how I felt about you."

"That's not what I meant," she said.

"You threw Lorelei in my face," he volleyed back.

"I'm sorry, okay. Will you let me finish? What I wanted to talk about was your intentions. You've always hidden things from me, lied to me and the first time I ask you to open up a bit, you shut down. I don't want to be your fuck buddy Jane. Everything doesn't get to stay the same – just add sex," she explained.

"Oh, c'mon Lisbon. I never said that I wanted that," he interjected.

"Maybe not directly but it's how you made me feel when you said your past was off limits," she said.

"So to follow your logic, if I don't talk about my past, you're saying that makes us fuck buddies," he clarified.

"Jane... you've always kept me at arm's length and you're doing it again. So, tell me, if I'm wrong then how do you see this going between us?"

"Why does it have to be going anywhere? Where do you want it to go exactly? I don't understand... this is all new... this thing between us. Isn't there a getting to know you period or something?"

"Are you serious right now! We've known each other for 10 years!" she said with exasperation.

"Just tell me what you want then. Because I'm tired of trying to figure it out on my own. I've done everything I can think of to show you how much I care about you, what you mean to me and it's not enough it seems."

"I don't want to live in limbo anymore, waiting a year or ten years until you are ready or maybe not. I can't live with that uncertainty anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't do half way with you... I need you all in – and that to me means that you want marriage and a family."

Marriage and a family. He felt lightheaded.

"If you wanted those things, why not stay with Pike. He would have given you all those things."

"Because I didn't love him, that's why I broke up with him. And you know what – you're a jerk," she said with tears in her eyes.

"Teresa... I-, I don't know what to say. I was just getting used to the idea of having a relationship. I didn't even think that you wanted those things. I can't even go there right now. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for those things or even when," – he pushed his hand through his hair in frustration – "You really want marriage and a family?"

"Yes. I do. Those things can't be off the table. It doesn't have to happen tomorrow, but I need to know that it's something that you want too."

"Right now, ... I don't know to be honest," he said. "I'm sorry."

"Then I guess that's it then."

"Teresa... it doesn't have to be this way. Don't go to D.C. We can be happy without those things and down the line maybe, but I can't say for sure now. Please, we are good together, you felt it. I know that you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you. Don't do this to us."