Guilty Pleasures of Life

30 | extra: the present

I believe a lot of writers edit their books objectively. To see any grammar mistakes, awkward dialogue, weird flow, and try to fix them refining the original product. However, I tried to do and I failed, because this whole story is so expressive, so personal, and it's maybe I grew soft reading my fourteen-year-old's very abstract view of life. 

Except for the plethora of grammar mistakes I couldn't edit this out, at all. It would change the meaning of the book after all, wouldn't it? I created a fantasy world that reflected some dark parts of my life I held in for a long time. I discovered I loved writing, and that I wanted to share it with an audience, as I republished this once more at my old account and I just loved reading the comments. 

It was heartwarming and it brought a lot of memories. Telling a lot about my old identity following the many identity crises. After all, this time that I've spent editing and rereading a lot parts of this book, I can truly say wow this girlie here is edgy af. Some part were just my imagination building a world of its own that made no sense whatsoever to the theme, but I really the wolf as a spiritual guide. 

My favorite chapters however were talking about my friends. A great chunk is dedicated to how I met them, the impact and the joy they brought to me. The process of them leaving, grieving, separating, and connecting felt genuine to me and I loved showing it that way. Lowkey reminding me that if I didn't call at least once a week I'd be dead. Though I'd get super embarrassed when I realized that a lot of people not just them were reading. 

But the part that made me uncomfortable was the dark chapters, which touched my preachy views about mental illness. I wasn't the most educated t hat time and I have still a lot to learn more and grasp the world's social dilemmas and issues. It's easy to say 'yes' and 'no' to everything but topics like those aren't black and white. 

A lot of fight and will is needed for the individual to open up. It's to also seek actual professional help. All in all, it isn't a process that will go away, but it's important to accept that it's a part as yourself and it doesn't mean that makes any different and you can still live normally, and pursue your dreams.

The last one is a topic I've emphasized a lot lately and that I'm still trying to grasp myself. I'm preparing for the most crucial phase of my life and it feels scary to be honest. in your head, you build a plan and give courage to push through. However, this same inflexibility and lack of mental preparation for the next stage gives us immense fear that we might not do it. Other than this fear we also fear that our dreams might not be as we imagines facing great disappointment. So, we all need a plan B just in case.

Nonetheless, I'm sure whatever you might be doing now will be extraordinary. We're slowly recovering from the social-distancing and thrown in larger scale social problems that we must raise our voices towards. 

Now let's move to the part I can't really stand nor justify and just screams fourteen year old. Also the punctuation is also cringe ah, like I had to express my shock and extraness with at least three exclamation marks, and I just shared stuff here like it was a rant tea book. Other than that, I just became a fan of BTS so the references are overload. I'm sorry I had to leave those there . But just so know I have a separate account for kpop fanfictions and it's multifandom.

(LOL shameless plug there)

Over the last three years that I've been here, I've grown as a person and in my writing skills as well (hopefully). So this is a glimpse of me, and I think it's important to establish the roots and your beginnings. Because even though I could definitely deleted this chaotic story of mine, I decided to leave and not regret it (for now.)

Overall, I'm going to repeat it once more that I love this story with all of my heart. A souvenir that I will definitely not read to my children. I hope you liked the book with its preachy, and deep message as well as dorky moments. The moments that led to world-building, to creating a fantasy world that was rooted inside the human psyche with basic characters, to writing and sharing bits about my life and the people I continue to love. The present me thinks this an overall present I could always reread to myself. 

To reminiscence the past, to reflect on the future, and to build a better present.