The Science Joke Book

Joke 16: Astronomical Absurdity

When the astronomy department found out their famous professor was not going to get the Nobel Prize this year, they decided to hold a party for him anyway and give him a constellation prize instead.

(Er, a consolation prize?)

At the party, the department attempted to cheer up the professor by humoring him with some 'out-of-the-world' jokes (quite literally), as follows.

1. What was Einstein's favourite limerick?

There was an old lady called Wright

Who could travel much faster than light.

She departed one day

In a relative way

And returned on the previous night.

2. During the last lecture of the semester, the astronomy professor spoke about some of the more exotic objects in the universe including black holes. Despite his teacher's enthusiasm, his student showed no interest, as was the case for all his astronomy classes during the semester. When the bell rang, the student turned to his friend and said, "The professor says that black holes are interesting, but I think they suck."

3. Well known are the words of Neil Armstrong when he first walked on the moon: "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." However, few people know of NASA's cover-up of a very embarrassing event took place an hour later. A transcript of the conversation that transpired has recently been procured and is as follows:

Neil Armstrong: "Oh crap, Mission Control, I just stepped on Buzz Aldrin's toe. What should I do? Over."

Mission Control: "What do you think? Apollogize."

4. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were sleeping out in the wild. At 2:00 am in the morning, Holmes woke up Watson and he asked, "Watson, look up and pray tell me what you presume."

Watson replied, "I see a vast Universe, full of stars and wonder. There is Venus over there. And the Moon is half lit. I know that lurking at the center of our galaxy is a black hole, and that gamma ray bursts occasionally blast at us, that there are billions and billions of planets out there, some of which must harbor life. We are not alone."

Watson would have continued but Holmes abruptly cut him off, "No, Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent!"

5. It is reported that Copernicus' parents said the following to him at the age of twelve: "Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?"

6. How do spacemen pass the time on long trips?

A: They play astronauts and crosses!

7. The professor's star pupil recited the following poem:

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

I know exactly what you are.

Opaque ball of hot dense gas

Millions of times our planet's mass

Looking small because you're far

I know exactly what you are.

Atmospheric turbulence

Causes bending of light rays

Blurry light gives views subpar

Hence the twinkling little star.

Fusing elements in your core

Hydrogen, helium, carbon and more

With such power you shine far

Twinkle twinkle little star.

Our Sun's average, as stars go

Formed 5 billion years ago

Halfway through its life so far

Twinkling main sequence yellow star.

Outer layers float away

Forming planetary nebulae

Wispy gas is gossamer

I know exactly what you were.

Forming from collapsing clouds

Cold and dusty gas enshrouds

Spinning, heating protostar

Twinkle twinkle little star.

Stars have planets orbiting

Rocky or gassy, moons or rings

Earth's unique with life so far

Twinkle twinkle little star.

(Lyrics copyright Julia Kregenow and Jason Wright, 2011, 2012, 2015. If you reproduce these lyrics in whole or in part, please include the copyright and credit the authors.)

(Note: This poem is an abridged version of a work by astrophysicist Julia Kregenow. You can go and read the entire poem on the Internet.)

BONUS:

8. Why didn't the Dog Star laugh at these jokes?

It was too Sirius.

(Liked the jokes? Read famous astronomer Carl Sagan's words above and below.

Astronomy enthusiasts will note that the image below is the famous Pale Blue Dot photograph, with Carl Sagan's quote superimposed on it.)