when all is said and done | e.d.

nineteen

harper

i'm not going to lie, ethan coming over to my house even for just a short hour makes me anxious.

i don't know why, though. i'm always nervous, but this is a different type of anxiety. i don't know how to describe it.

this unwelcomed feeling makes me crack open the bottle of wine i've had in my cupboard for ages, and down multiple glasses of it.

ruby scurries around the house like she knows he's coming, and gives a small little bark at the door when the bell rings at 7 pm.

i take a deep breath and feel some of the side effects of the alcohol kick in as i walk to open it.

ethan doesn't even say hello before hurrying in through the door and automatically crouching down to let ruby jump up on him.

"well, good to see you too," i joke, closing the door behind him softly.

"sorry," he laughs, dodging ruby's licks. "i literally love this dog. i wasn't allowed to have one growing up because my brother's allergic."

"i had a small dog growing up. he was mean, though."

ethan looks up at me with a smile, then squints his eyes. "are you okay?"

i furrow my eyebrows. "yeah, why? i'm totally fine."

"you look different. paler and like... not sturdy. do you feel sick?"

from the foyer, he notices the open bottle of wine on the marble counter, and widens his eyes at it.

"something's clearly wrong. you drank, for crying out loud."

"nothing is wrong!" i exclaim, trying to stop my vision from becoming slightly blurry. "i just... got thirsty."

"thirsty?" he repeats.

"mhm," i nod.

"okay... well do you feel weird?"

"i feel good. stop asking me about it, i'm a big girl."

he nods and stands up, holding ruby in his arms.
"what are your plans for the rest of the night?" he asks.

"probably just lay on my couch and put off any work that i have to do..." i trail off, feeling myself start to become ramble-y. but it's like i can't stop the words from tumbling out of my mouth.

now i remember why i don't drink.

i'm such a lightweight.

i invite ethan into my kitchen and offer him another cupcake out of his birthday batch. this time, it has purple frosting.

"i can never say no to junk food," he sighs, taking it from the container that sits on my counter.

it may be the lighting in the kitchen, or just the warm buzz flowing through my veins that makes me peer at him a little closer, staring at his features.

i notice the shadow of facial hair, and his dim hazel eyes. for some reason, i know i should look away, but i don't.

he gives me a funny look as he unwraps the cupcake and i finally snap out of the trance i was in.

"um, what are your plans for christmas?" i ask, trying to strike up a conversation to distract my wandering mind.

he shrugs, finishing his mouthful of cupcake. "go home."

"you're not from illinois, right?"

ethan shakes his head. "jersey. but my brother and i came here for college and never left, i guess."