when all is said and done | e.d.

thirty

harper

"who does he think he is?" i question to myself as i pace my living room. "acting all possessive when we've clearly established that there will be no. strings. attached."

i roll my eyes for probably the billionth time since this afternoon and busy myself by starting to clean literally everything in sight. my windows and mirrors are all spotless by the time the clock hits 9, and my stomach begins to grumble.

i grab the double fudge brownie from the freezer with no regret, and slam it on the counter. this is an internal way to express my anger, since me eating dairy filled ice cream would seriously push his buttons.

this entire situation is childish and stupid, and i never should've slept with ethan in the first place.

but then i think of his hands on my bare skin, touching every part of me that ached for him the most.

i push the thought out of my brain with an intense eye roll, and grab the most gigantic spoon known to man, and start to eat the ice cream.

around four episodes of my current favorite series go by in the blink of an eye, and i realize i wasn't really watching them in the first place. my eyes were focused on the turntable and the two vinyls that sit on my dresser.

without thinking, i get up to put the john mayer record on.

dreaming with a broken heart starts to play immediately, causing me to sigh.

i don't know why i played the record when i knew it was going to make me think of ethan even more.

it's like i set myself up for confusing heartaches.

eventually i end up laying on my floor, staring at the ceiling while listening to the entire album while drumming to the slow beats on my stomach.

i'm now feeling the affects of the dairy, but i'm not going to let myself regret eating it. nope, that would be as if he won. and he didn't.

i'll probably have to call in sick tomorrow, but i honestly don't mind if it means i don't have to look at him, just waiting to tempt me.

i stay up all night for two reasons:

1. my stomach hurts.

2. i can't get him out of my head.

this could all be fixed if i fired him, but i could seriously never ever see myself doing that. he didn't do anything that i didn't agree to, so i wouldn't be fair to take out our personal problems on what pays his bills.

by 5 am, i'm starting to feel better and decide that i have to go to work, no matter how sleep deprived and confused i am. i have meetings all day that i just can't miss.

to avoid getting ethan's attention again, i pull my hair into an updo and apply plain old chapstick that he has never complimented before. he seems to like when i wear skirts, so i instead i put on high waisted dress pants that just barely reach my ankles, and a plain white long sleeve tucked into it. i very much made the mistake of wearing an off the shoulder top yesterday, as you can see faint marks scattered along my collarbone and neck.

he hates noisy bracelets, so i make sure to put on a couple of those too.

i'm early. way too early to leave already, so i sit down in my kitchen with my usual breakfast and read the news on my phone.

nothing much is happening— the president is an idiot, the stock market is going up, and a new celebrity is in a scandal that media outlets will feed off of this week, and totally forget about in three days.