when all is said and done | e.d.

forty-four

harper

i tap my finger impatiently on the wooden table of the restaurant thomas texted me to meet at. he's only a couple minutes late so far, so i'm not too upset about it.

it's raining out, which is pretty rare for february in chicago. usually it turns into sleet and hail, but right now it's just a dreary drizzle.

my eyes spot thomas out the window, jogging up to the door, shoving his hands in his pockets and ducking his head from the rain. i smile as a small bell rings, signaling his arrival.

he spots me almost immediately, and a smile ignites on his clean shaven face. before he slides in the spot across from me, he leans down and plants a kiss on my head.

"so sorry i'm a little behind. there was an accident on the roads, and it blocked off a couple streets."

"it's fine!" i assure. "don't worry about it. how's your day been?"

thomas reaches for the small menu on the table and opens it as he replies, "rough. but now it's a lot better, since i can see you."

usually something like that would make me blush.

or butterflies, at least.

but it doesn't.

"so um, what are you ordering?" i ask, leaning across the table a little bit to see the menu page he's flipped to. he turns it a little to show me, and points at a bacon burger.

"sounds... meaty..." i grimace just at the thought of eating all the cow products. meat just gives me the most uncomfortable feeling in my stomach ever, so i've stayed away from it for awhile.

he simply laughs. "should i order the veggie burger instead?"

"no, no," i say quickly. "don't take me too seriously. order whatever you want."

he nods and his eyes go back to skimming over the page. a waitress comes over and asks us what we'd like to drink, and we both choose water.

"harper," thomas closes the menu and looks as if he's about to start on a serious tangent. "i just wanted to formally apologize about last night. if it was in my control, i would have been there. i promise."

"it's okay," i smile, but inside i'm ashamed to admit that it's not. i wish people would make time for me like ethan does.

he looks doubtful, but i reach across the table and grab his hand. for some reason, mine feels out of place, folded into his.

"so what did you end up doing?" he asks. "i tried to call after the surgery, but your phone must've been turned off."

"it died," i lie. "but, i just... hung out."

"hung out?"

"yeah. at my place."

a look of pity crosses his face. "jeez, harper. i'm so sorry you had to be alone when i promised us a night out."

i force myself to deny it. "it's okay, really. i'm good at being alone."

god, this feels like major lying.

and if you're lying about something you did, you probably shouldn't have done it.

but i just can't get myself to regret last night with ethan. it was a breakthrough moment for me and it gave me a different perspective on my life right now.

what i want, what i don't want, what i deserve, what i need, what i possess, etc.

and i just don't know if it's thomas.

i need to give him more of a chance. i have to. he's such a sweet, humble guy and i think if my life were perfect, we'd really hit it off.

thomas goes into a story about a nurse in the ER who couldn't find the vein when administering a shot, and i only half-listen and laugh in the parts where it's needed.

but my mind is else where.

i'm ashamed to admit that it's on ethan.

his smile flickers through my brain like a screen-play, showing off his perfect, white teeth and the small dimple on his left cheek that appears occasionally.

i've seen him wear earrings before— the small little  hoop ones that clutch to your earlobe, and black studs— but work doesn't really allow any visible piercings for men. (very sexist, i know. bentley's rules that i've been trying to overturn).

and his hands. and his leg tattoos. and his laugh. and his voice. and—

oh god. i really, really need to stop. my boyfriend is sitting right in front of me, for crying out loud.

and even if— IF— i did have some buried feelings for ethan that are gradually rising to the surface, who's to say he'd ever feel them for me?

to him, i'm his boss. his college friend.

and maybe that's all we'll ever be.