when all is said and done | e.d.

fifty

harper

i've made my ultimate decision:
i need to break it off with thomas, and i need to tell ethan how i feel.

things are just getting really hard to hide lately, and i don't think i can push back anything i feel for him. i've tried.

i've tried getting the "ick", thinking about ethan in different and specific scenarios that would usually be a turn off for girls. i've thought of him with pizza sauce on the corner of his mouth, waiting in line at a water slide, rubbing aloe on a sunburn, picking salad from his teeth, etc.

they don't make me feel grossed out, they make me laugh. it has not helped at all with trying to get over my feelings.

i'm trying to come up with the worst possible scenario when ethan taps on my desk. i look up at him with a big smile, then force it to falter down a little.

"hey, i told you a few days ago, but i have my interview that i have to leave for. right now."

i furrow my eyebrows. "interview? for what?"

he rolls his eyes playfully. "i'll be back in a couple hours. wish me luck."

then i remember. "ohh! that. what did you settle on, 11th grade english?"

he nods, and i can sense his nervousness. "yeah, i did. call me if you need anything, but i probably won't respond."

i laugh and wave him goodbye.

he slips out the door quickly and i decide to think about when i should break the news to thomas.

is it worse to do it before or after valentine's day? he's genuinely a nice guy, and i don't want to break his heart.

samantha comes and joins me for lunch. i ask her opinion, and she says that it would be way worse if i did it before. thomas and i have loose plans that are flexible as of right now, but he still went out of his way to plan something.

i've never really had a person to spend valentine's day with, now that i think about it.

even if he's not the one for me, he's still nice company on a day that's usually lonely.

"girl," sam shakes her head, pointing her plastic fork with lettuce speared on it at me. "you need to break that little guy's heart."

"i- i dont want to do that," i say, feeling a pit of fear grow in my stomach. "that would be horrible."

she shrugs. "oh well. you never have to see him ever again. i mean, it's not like he works with you..."

i narrow my eyes at her, and she smile sheepishly. "right. sorry, i won't say that again. kinda forgot. speaking of ethan—"

"shhh," i say quickly. "people can hear us."

"oh whatever. you're like the only person ever on this floor. what's your receptionist's name— mary? she needs hearing aids just to answer the phone. we're fine."

i sigh, and poke at my vegan stir fry. "ethan should probably be out of his interview now. should i call him?"

"only if i can sit here and listen."

rolling my eyes playfully, i reply, "lunch break is over samantha."

"tell me everything," she sing songs and packs up the rest of her salad and drink.

"bye! love you. you're the best!" i call out.

"i know!"

the door shuts fully and i laugh, picking up my personal phone. i know it's kind of against company policy to make personal calls, but who's going to fire me? i am the boss.

my fingers hover over ethan's contact and push on it quickly before i can change my mind.

it rings. and rings. and rings.

when i've lost all hope, i hear his melodic laugh through the phone.

"sorry!" he exclaims a little too loudly. "i hooked up bluetooth hands-free calling for my car and i'm still getting used to it."

i smile at his voice and lean back in my chair to study the city out my window wall. "you sound awfully cheery. i take it your interview went well?"

"it was amazing, harp. they laughed at all my jokes! the only person who usually does that is you!"

"so you think you have it in the bag?" i ask.

"i hope so. i mean— i thought it was great. i told stories about when i student taught and they asked a bunch of questions that i had already rehearsed with my brother. it was so relaxed, too."

"i really hope you get it, ethan," i say genuinely.

even if it means he'll be leaving me, there's no doubt in my mind that teaching is where he'd thrive the most. he works this job to pay his bills, but he can work that job to fulfill a dream and pay his bills. it's a win-win scenario.

"how far away is the school?" i ask.

"not a long drive at all. about 20 minutes from the city and 15 from my apartment."

"that's... wow. amazing."

"i know!" he exclaims, and there's no denying the excitement in his voice. "they said they would get back to me within the next couple of weeks. if i get it, all they would have to do is run a few quick background checks and then i'll be ready to start in the fall."

"hopefully you'll pass the background checks?"

he laughs. "harper brown. the worst thing i ever did was steal a piece of gum from the candy store when i was eight. i think i'll be okay."

i smile. "okay. are you coming back to the office today, or do you want the rest of the day off? it's pretty boring here."

he's silent for a moment, then says, "i'll come back. i want to see you."

my eyes widen as i stumble over a response.

"s-see you as in... like share more about my interview," he quickly follows up. "but yeah. i'll be there in a few."

"okay. goodbye, e."

"wait, harper?"

"yeah?"

"do you want me to bring back your favorite smoothie? from that one place? i just passed it, but i can turn back."

i try to purse my lips to stop a smile. "yeah, could you? usually i get a—"

"strawberry mango, no whipped cream," he finishes for me.

"yeah, thank you."

"medium or large?"

"medium."

"so a large?"

i feel my face heat up and laugh. "yes. you know me too well."

"bye, harp," i can vividly see his teasing smile in my head.

"bye. don't forget—"

"an extra straw in case you drop your first one. i know."