when all is said and done | e.d.

thirty-five

ethan

it's safe to say harper felt reluctant for just one last time, but she realized that she technically wasn't committed to thomas yet.

and that's the only thing that has her in my bed, facing away from me on her side.

i stare up at the ceiling, drumming my fingers on my stomach and processing everything from the last hour. she commented how bare my apartment looked with a laugh, and then not even two minutes later, we were stumbling to my room.

"ethan?" i hear her whisper softly.

i turn my head. "yeah?"

she flips to face me, clutching the sheets tightly to her chest. her eyes looks sad and confused. "do you think thomas is a good guy?"

i blink at the question. what does she want me to say?

"h-he seemed nice," i reply, stuttering a little from the suddenness of it.

"you're lying," she sighs, burying the side of her face into my pillow.

"yeah, i am."

she's quiet for a moment. "i like him. he's really funny and charismatic."

"but if you were to only date a guy for their charisma and humor, you would have dated probably half the guys in this city, harp," i say quietly.

she looks up at me without moving her head, only her eyes. "you think so?"

"look," i say, getting ready to go on a short tangent. "if you like him, date him. if you don't, then don't."

"it's really not that black and white."

"yes it is," i insist.

i hate that i'm telling her to actually be with this guy, since it's totally the opposite of what i feel. this whole time i've been scared to admit to myself what an amazing girl harper is, and that caused me to ever miss a shot with her.

now we're just...

i don't know. definitely not what i want us to be.

she breathes deeply through her nostrils, and brings her hand up to my face. she rests it on my cheek, and rubs her thumb over my skin gently.

"i feel like this is cheating," she says. "i feel... wrong."

"well have you used the 'b word' yet?"

"no."

"then it's not cheating. it's more like... just being a bad person."

this causes her to laugh— like a real, genuine harper laugh.

just to see what it would feel like, i reach my hand up to my face and rest it on top of her's. my fingers grasp around her hand, and i see her breathing hitch.

"ever miss when you were just my assistant? and like, we hardly knew each other?" she asks out of nowhere.

i close my eyes. "no. you?"

"no."

"good."

things are quiet as her hands drops from my face, and lands lazily on my chest. i trace lightly up her arm with my index finger, causing goosebumps to form on her skin.

"that feels good," she whispers out.

"yeah?"

"yeah."

it's crazy to me how we can interact in what seems like a millions words, but really only say one or two. it's like it's all we need is a couple, and the rest we can just figure out by looking at each other.

her bright green eyes are now slightly dim, staring at me so deeply that i have to turn away and face my bathroom door.

"sometimes i feel like we're not real," she blurts out randomly.

i look to her with a slight smile. "what?"

"yeah. like sometimes i'll think we're just... holograms. everyone except for me. and the people in my day to day life are just distractions set up by the government."

"harper," i laugh loudly. "you can't be serious."

"i am!" she insists. "would you tell me the truth?"

"about what?"

she leans up close, whispering in my ear. "are you a hologram?"

before i can let out a chuckle, i swiftly turn my head a little more, pressing my lips against hers. they're warm, and feel just like they did thirty minutes ago. refreshing and addicting.

she kisses me back deeply, seeming to forget all about thomas and the stupid government holograms. she swings her legs over me, and i press my hands into the back of her thighs.

before we could possibly go any further, she pulls away, panting slightly.

"that answer your question?" i ask.

"yes. holograms can't possibly kiss like that, so you're good."

"i'm in the clear?" i ask as she slides off my lap and back into the spot beside me.

"i guess."

there's more silence as we both stare up at the ceiling.

"hey wait a minute."

"hey what?" i ask.

"that's the first time we've kissed post-sex. when did we agree to that?"

i shrug. "didn't know life had to be lived by a rule book."

"you sly little turd."

i laugh a little. "that's a new one. call me that forever?"

"forever is a mighty long time."

i tilt my head. "what movie is that from?"

"i don't know," she shrugs. "my mom use to tell it to me a lot as a kid. it just stuck with me into adulthood, and now whenever someone uses the word forever, it's like a habit that i say it."

"forever is a mighty long time," i repeat underneath my breath. "for sure it is."

she looks up at me and smiles slightly. something is off about her today. she's like, analyzing my every move as if she's keeping a diary of every single thing i do all day.

but whatever keeps her gazing at me, honestly.

because i'll gaze right back.