King Agnarr's Journal

The Day I Lost Myself

In my first entry, I wrote about the abuse that I suffered from as a teenager from my uncle Prince Haakon. Unfortunately, because of this abuse I have suffered from flashbacks and nightmares. But the worst flashback I had was when Elsa was about 15 years old. That particular day, I was teaching her how to fence. She was quite good at it, sure it was no hand to hand combat lesson but it could come in handy if she ever needed to defend herself. Iduna always sat in on these lessons, she herself was very good at fencing and would give Elsa tips whenever she thought it was necessary. Though sadly, that day did not go as I had planned. As we were fencing, I had a flashback that took me back to the times that I used to train in hand to hand combat with my uncle. He was a brut and never took it easy on me, even though I was half his size. Needless to say, this.. flashback clouded my perception of reality and it felt as if I was back trying to defend myself from my uncle. Elsa tagged me with her foil or sword which signaled the end of the match. Iduna told me later that she could instantly see my emotions change and my bodily language became very aggressive. Thinking that Elsa was my uncle, I dropped my foil and clenched my fists before coming after her as she walked away. Iduna, who had seen my flashbacks in the past knew what was happening and jumped in between Elsa and I.
"Agnarr!"
She called out
"Its not real!"
But in my mind, it was real. I raised my arm up to hit, what I thought was my uncle but was actually Iduna. She then realized that I was not coming back to reality, so she used all of her strength to push me onto the floor. It breaks my heart to this day that I did such a thing, I would never hit my wife or my daughters. Out of fear, Elsa's ice powers exploded and many rows of ice spikes were put in between them and I. When I hit the floor after Iduna pushed me, I returned to my senses. I looked up to see the intense fear in the eyes of Iduna and Elsa.
"Mother..."
Elsa whispered as Iduna moved in to comfort her. Iduna looked at me, it was a look of anger, fear, and sadness.
"Elsa, it's alright. I'm here.."
I sat there on the ground, only at then did I realize that I had lost complete control over my body and my concept of reality. I did not move, I did not want to frightened them further. Iduna quickly removed a very confused and frightened Elsa from the room. She did not return until about an hour later, but even then she kept her distance.
"It was one of your flashbacks again, wasn't it?"
Iduna said, in her soft calming voice. I was still sitting in the same spot that I had fallen onto. I looked up at her and only gave her a nod in response. She moved closer, but I put my hand out to stop her.
"No, do not come any closer. I do not want to hurt you..."
I was afraid of myself. I had almost hurt the people I loved most and I was not going to let it happen again. Over the next week, I stayed in my office with the door locked. I ate, worked, and slept in there. I barely ate that week and lost 3 pounds because of it. It was the seventh day of my self inflicted solitary confinement when I heard a key turn in the lock and doorknob turn. It was Iduna and Elsa.
"Daddy.. I mean Father,"
Elsa said softly.
"Mother told me that it was a flashback, a memory of your time in the navy."
I looked at her and then Iduna who had her hand on Elsa's shoulder. Both of the girls were completely unaware of my abusive past. Iduna and I had agreed to not speak of it until they were old enough to fully understand what happened.
"You can come out Agnarr, we are not afraid of you. It was... an accident. But I think that perhaps I should be in charge of the fencing lessons from now on."
I looked at both them, I imagine that I must have looked a bit rough. I hadn't shaved or bathed in a week which was something Elsa had never seen before.
I stood up and moved towards them before wrapping my arms around them. I held them for a good 15 minutes before looking down at them.
"I am so sorry, it.. it will not happen again."
And it didn't happen again, well at least not in front of Elsa or Anna. I had several panic attacks and flashbacks but luckily they were not infront of them. Iduna also had flashbacks and nightmares due to her experiences in the Enchanted Forest as a child. We had to comfort each other, since no one else knew of all the things we had seen and experienced. It is an awful thing to live with and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

(This story focuses on the effects of a traumatic past. PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.)