King Agnarr's Journal

Agnarr's Biggest Fear

Some have asked me recently about what I fear most. I had to stop and actually think about it for a few minutes. Of course the loss of my wife or girls would be at the top of my list, as it would be for any parent and husband. But the biggest fear that I have is the idea of me becoming like my uncle. I feel as if people do not understand what he was really like. He put on a facade for the public, he was a fantastic liar and a good actor. He knew how to manipulate people into doing whatever he wanted. Sometimes, I find myself thinking or acting like him in my mannerisms and it just makes me shudder in utter disgust. Whenever I do notice it, I try my hardest to surpress whatever action or thought it may be. Up until Elsa's 21st birthday, they did not even know that they had a great uncle. It has taken me many years to be able to talk about what happened to both Iduna and I at the hands of my uncle. Elsa recently has been asking some questions about him, Iduna has done her best to answer them for me but I have told her some of what my uncle did. I can see the fear and pain in her face whenever I tell her about what happened which is why I prefer not to. But that is exactly why it is my biggest fear, to bring the emotional and physical abuse into my immediate family would just destroy it.

One time, I was alone and I was so fustrated with the fact that one of our allies had decided to go into an alliance with the Southern Isles, that I ended up breaking my office chair out of pure anger. Iduna rushed into the office after hearing the cracking of the wood chair and my incoherent yelling, a look of fear came over her when she saw that I had indeed done it. My uncle used to break things whenever he got angry, so seeing me doing the same must have scared the living daylights out of her. She made sure to keep the girls away from me that day, in fact I actually ended up sleeping in my office because Iduna did not want me in the bed with her. Needless to say, that was one of the worst days of my life because I became my uncle, even if it was only for a few minutes. I hope that the next time someone asks me what my biggest fear is, I will have the courage to tell them the truth.