The two masks

Chapter 6

(A/N: time skip to the funeral since the days were just the same and I didn't wanna get redundant and boring)

Jesy POV:

Today was the day. The day where I had to say my last goodbye to my mum. The last time I talked to her was a day before her death. We were just casually chatting and it makes me feel sick, remembering how she said, that I hopefully marry soon. Leigh and Andre got engaged two years ago, and Perrie and Alex last year. She was so excited and hoped to help me plan but this won't happen. I feel two careful hands on my shoulder, shaking me softly "Jes. You gotta get up. Leigh is gonna pick us up in 20 Minutes." I nod, sit up and stretch before getting out of the bed. I take the shoulder-free black dress from my wardrobe and put it on together with black strap heels. In the bathroom, I just brushed my hair and applied some lipgloss. Makeup wouldn't do anything to cover up my pain and it would be smeared all over my face after this was over. To be honest, I don't wanna go. I don't want to say goodbye to my mother, but I have to and I know I would deeply regret it when she is buried six feet under if I didn't attend. After I finish, I enter the kitchen and see Chris already in his black suit, completely ready. He sees me and steps aside to reveal Leigh, Jade and Perrie sitting in the living room. I bite my lip to prevent my already forming tears. Leigh gets up and hugs me tightly and this was when my dam broke. I broke down in her arms, my body shaking from the violent sobs esaping my lips. I feel more arms wrap around me and Leigh shushes me "I know Jes. Let it all out." I shake my head and pull away. I wipe my tears and hug everyone "Let's go then." I sigh and Chris takes my hand, leading us all outside. We all get in Leigh's car and the ride to the church was silent apart from a few sniffles coming from me. As we arrive and get out, I already felt my legs go limp but Chris caught me "It's okay babe, I got you." Together with Leigh, they lead me past the priest who just mumbles an 'I'm sorry for your loss' Wow as if this brought back my mom and eased my pain I'm feeling. I'm being lead to the front row where our seats were reserved. Chris parents were there and as they saw us, they immediately got up and hugged me tightly. I bite my lip hard to prevent myself from breaking down again. We pull apart and sit down. The music starts and Chris wraps his arm around me, pulling me closer and stroking my arm as new tears roll down my cheeks again, leaving wet trails. The priest just keeps talking and I didn't really focus and as he looked at me, I knew it was my time to hold the speech I prepared. On unsteady legs I got up, walked up to the white casket my mom was in and I felt immediately nauseous. I took a deep breath, unfolded the paper and looked around.

"My mom. One of the nicest and kindest human beings you'll ever meet. From the outside you would think she was just an average woman, when there is so much more to it..." I blink away my tears and take a shaky breath "I remember when you felt bad about yourself, she'll always take the time out and talk to you to make you feel confident. She hated seeing you upset or treat yourself bad and would do anything....to...take your p-pain away..." A few sobs escape from my lips as I look at Chris who was wiping tears and nodding "He heart was made of gold no matter how often it was broken, she still always radiated a warmth coming deeply from her heart..." I close my eyes for a few seconds and try to control my uneven breathing "She always loved life and tried to make it as beautiful for you as she could." I wipe my tears with a shaky hand "Her smile and laugh were always so contagious. Whenever she entered a room, it lit up. Wherever she went, the spirit was so positive. She always radiated such a positive and...selfless spirit, which made it impossible to not love her. But now I know where she is, in heaven, she will keep doing this. I'll miss you mom. Our deep late night calls whenever I felt like my thoughts drowned me, our days where we'd walk in the woods and jam to our favourite music, our baking and cooking weekends and last but not least: I'll miss you as a person. Your hugs, your wise way with words, your voice, your laugh and your warmth. I hope you..." I look down and start sobbing uncontrollably "Y-you are g-good up th-there. With n-no more p-p-pain...and you're l-looking down at us...I love you mom." I crumble the sheet and fall to the floor and break down completely. I feel two hands on my arms, lifting me up and bringing me to my seat as the priest continued his speech while I just let myself cry into Chris chest. After I calmed down, I watch as six men pick up the casket and walk down the hallway. I lift my head up and we get up, following the men. Completely like in slowmo we leave the church and the weather was sunny and warm, but my heart wasn't. My life wasn't. I watch as they load the casket into their car and drive off and I fall into someones arms, breaking down yet again. I don't know how I still have tears left to cry "You've spoken so well Jesy." I recognize the soft voice of Chris mum. I hum and she strokes my head as I pull away and thank her. Chris puts an arm around me while Jade takes my hand as we head to the cementry. Arriving at the assigned place, the priest gives a small speech again and then everyone can throw in some roses he handed out and they lifted the casket into the ground. They close the hole and put all the flowers on top and I look at the sign they put up, as if I had to convince myself this was not a nightmare. That this was really happening sadly. I read the letters carefully. Janice White. I release a shaky breath and Chris turns me around as I hug him tightly "Well spoken Jes." I turn around and the girls are looking at us. I pull away and we have a group hug "Thank you for coming girls." "You know we'd drop anything to be there for you bubba." I pull away and look for Chris parents, finding them immediately. His dad spreads his arms as soon as he sees me and pulls me in a hug, his mother doing the same "Your speech was so beautiful. We're so incredibly sorry for your loss. If you need help with anything, please tell us." "Thank you Val." I swallow the lump in my throat "T-thank you so much for coming." They nod "No problem honey. Do you need anything?" "No I uhm just want to be...you know..." "Oh yeah we do understand." she smiles, goes to Chris, whispers something in his ear and he nods and they leave "Come on Jes let's go home as well." I just nod and we walk back home with me being completely quiet. At home, I change into joggers and a hoodie and lay down in bed, hug the photo and start crying my eyes out. Chris just comes back from the bathroom and immediately rushes to my side, hugging me tightly "Let it all out baby." He hugs me and my sobs become more violent, shaking my whole body. My chest feels like it's about to explode. I feel like I can't breathe properly. If I had to rate my pain on a scale from 1 to 10, it would be the 10. The painful, dreading, unbearable 10. And I feel like with every minute it just becomes worse, the pain eating me up each sob my lips release.

WTAF when I tell you I'm crying so hard rn someone pls hug me😭😭🥺🥺I usually never cry writing my own stories but this chapter...oof this had left me sobbing like a baby😭😭