The two masks

Chapter 16

Jesy POV:

"I have something to say to you..." The girls and Chris turn to me "Uhm...I uh I wanna apologize for behaving like such a bitch the past few months. You didn't deserve this because all you wanted to do was being there for me and helping me and I just kept snapping at you and...uh..." I wipe the tears trickling down my cheeks "Hey Jes don't blame yourself okay? We all know it's hard for you right now and we all completely get yourcondition." "I mean yeah the snapping sometimes went a little too far but we were never mad at you for this because we all had in mind and still have in mind what happened to you." I nod. I don't deserve them. I get up and earn confused looks before I open my arms "Group hug anyone?" They smile, get up and throw themselves into my arms. We exchange several 'I love you's' and pull away. Chris immediately puts his arm around my waist, smiling down at me "My Jes. My precious Jes." I smile weakly knowing deep down I had to protect them from myself. I realized the past weeks that I snapped too often but I want to protect myself from others and myself. That didn't help so I think I just have to build up walls and a mask I can wear around them. I don't want to bother anyone. I'm being ripped out from my thoughts as someone gives me a slight nudge "Jes? Are you okay?" "Huh y-yea I was just...thinking." "Care to share?" "Nothing. I was just daydreaming." Chris nods and we sit back down on the table. About an hour later, the girls announce they had to go, so we thank them for coming and later me and Chris are chilling in the bedroom watching a film. After the film finished, Chris suddenly turns to me "Uh Jes I know it's probably not the really right time but uhm...I- I just want you to know that I'll always be there for you for anthing okay? Same goes for the girls." "Thank you babe but I'm getting better. I feel like slowly I can deal with it." I lied. I know I shouldn't but it's the only way to protect them and not to bother them more than I already had. "You sure baby?" I hum and smile "It's okay. It's gonna be okay." He smiles. I think he bought it. "I know it will. You're a fighter Jes." I nod and cuddle into him. I think he really missed this, because he wraps me tighly in the embrace but I don't mind. I know it's not healthy bottling up your feelings and emotions. Also it's not fair for Chris and the girls that I lied to them about getting better, because they've been nothing but good to me. But what else shall I do?I have to push them away and pretend I'm fine so I don't bother them any further. "I gotta use the restroom, be right back baby." I wriggle myself from Chris embrace and he looks at me, smiling "I will wait here for you" I chuckle and get into the bathroom on the opposite of our bedroom. I close the door and lock it, immediately going to the board with my blade hideaway. Smiling, I grab the package and take out the blade. As I move away my pants, I see the bright red scars lining my hips. I sigh, tracing my finger over them. Really Jesy? Stop being pathetic. I put the blade on the scars, press down hard and pull. A silent gasp escapes my lips as the blood immediately starts pouring out. I reopen the other scars as well and I feel the warm blood run down my legs. I put the blade back and right in that moment a knock on the door. Shit I'm full of blood and the tiles as well. Fuck it. "Jes? Are you okay in there? You've been in there for 10 minutes." "Yea I'm good I'm just doing my skin care as well. I'll be right back." I try saying it without a shaky voice. "Ah good. I was getting worried. Then I'll let you finish your skin care and then I wanna cuddle again. My arms are missing you." I giggle and hear him go back into the bedroom. I release a breath I didn't know I've been holding and start cleaning up the tiles and my legs. I check even more carefully now if I've left any evidence...nothing...good. I get back to the bedroom on slightly unsteady legs and let myself fall down on the bed. "Heyyyy." He immediately hugs me, touching the fresh cuts again. I bite my lip hard not to whimper, with success. I smile weakly and look into his piercing blue eyes "What are you thinking about Chris baby?" he hums "You're so fucking beautiful babe. I can't wait to start a family with you." he scoots closer, touching my thigh with his other hand. I clear my throat and look at him as he moves his hand further up. I gulp and stop his hand. His face turns worried "What's wrong babygirl?" "I uh...I'm not in the mood right now." "It's okay baby." He moves his hand further down again and eventually pulls it away. I was just gonna ask him what film we're gonna watch next when he gasps and shows me his hand. It had blood on it. God damn it I'm so stupid I haven't even put something on the cuts. Think Jessica think. "J-jes? What's this? Why is there blood on my hand?" "Oh no...I must have started my periods..." I pretend to look down and nod, blushing unintentionally "I'll change..." I scramble into the bathroom and lock myself immediately again. Now this is embarrassing Jessica. Really? I clean up the new blood dripping down my legs and this time I put a bandage on the cuts. I head back to the bedroom to see Chris changing the sheets, and a cup of tea on my nightstand. "Here baby. A cup of chamomile tea. I thought I'd bring you one since I was washing my hands." He smiles and I return but he seems worried "What's wrong?" "Why?" "Your smile hasn't reached your eyes like it usually does..." "No no. It's because I'm a little embarrassed." It was partly true. I was embarrassed on bleeding on him and being too dumb to clean up my cuts properly. He nods "It's natural babe don't worry." He finished changing the sheets and I immediately cuddle into him again. He carefully strokes my belly. I have to hold back my tears. He was so caring and little does he know what dark secret I'm actually keeping...I think he noticed because he looks back up at me "Jesy? I can sense something isn't right...and I kind of have a suspicion.."