Love Is Black And White

10. Placebo

I remember one day in my childhood, when my parents took me and my older brother to Orlando. In addition to the photos, for which my mother forced us to smile, my mind kept some memories of a particular attraction.

The curious thing is that I don't remember the attraction itself. I remember the queue.

We were in the middle, I was holding my mother's hand, with my head resting on her leg, while my father was talking to my brother. My eyes were almost closed, tired of waiting.

"Go all the way down!" The attraction attendant spoke loudly to the people who were about to enter. There was a large door separating the attraction from the queue.

After a few moments, she shouted again: "Go all the way down!"

I looked at that big door and I held my mother's hand tighter. I was afraid. I didn't know what to expect after that door. It could be scary or fun. It could make me cry or laugh. I didn't know.

"Go all the way down!" She shouted again.

The only thing I knew was that I needed to go all the way down.

The future is an attraction in our life. We don't know what to expect, it may be great or devastating. We just go all the way down.

I happened to like the attraction behind the big door, it was something with planets, space and galaxies. I wanted my future to bring me the same joy, and the relief of asking myself: What were you afraid of?

It was time to go all the way down.

And I was on my way to Columbia University. As my brother was studying architecture there, I was moving to the same apartment.

Leaning against the door, I was looking at my room, which was about to become my old room.

There are no more spaces to draw on these walls, I smiled.

Since I was a child, it was my habit to draw my favorite characters and arts from comic books on the walls of my room. It was all very colorful.

"Are you okay?" George's voice brought me to reality. He leaned against the other side of the door, crossed his arms, and started looking around the room.

"Yes," I replied, "I'm just enjoying it one more time... It's nostalgic."

George was silent for a few seconds and then smiled. "It's crazy how we feel sad and happy about the same thing, huh?" He said, and I nodded. "Hey, you'll be fine!" He patted my shoulder twice. "Come on!"

I looked at the room again, took a deep breath and went down the stairs.

Go all the way down.

"Hey George!" I heard Jade's voice when I was putting my suitcase in the trunk of my brother's car. "Hey college guy!" She said, walking towards me.

Surprised, I smiled. "What are you doing here?"

Jade stopped in front of me, "I came to say goodbye."

I frowned and leaned against the car. "Didn't we say goodbye before?"

"Yes, but it was not enough," Jade said, smiling, and then stared at me for a few seconds. "Do you promise to keep in touch?"

I could see some tears in the corner of her eyes, "Jade..." I laughed, "I won't be that far from you."

"I'm not worried about the miles..." She jumped on me and hugged me tightly. "Please, don't forget me!"

"Hey..." I laughed lightly, holding on to her embrace. "How can I forget the muse of my own stories?"

Jade calmly released me, sighed and then looked at me again, with watery eyes. "Call me, okay? I wanna know everything." She said and looked at her parents' car, who were talking to my parents through the car window, "I have to go now..." She gazed at me and smiled. "Goodbye, Leon."

"Bye..." I replied as she walked towards the car, "Jade!" I shouted, not sure what to say next. She looked at me again. "See you soon," I said, and she nodded.

I watched Jade walking away from me with a certain amount of joy. I knew I would miss her. But not seeing her everyday could be my chance to move on, and I decided to take this chance with open arms.

It was a Jade detox, like breathing a pure air of freedom. My new life was exciting. I was feeling good.

I thought about her sometimes. But it was different. She seemed to be more of a friend than a secret love, and there were no more black and white thoughts in my mind. The colors of my new routine had taken over.

I was free.

I woke up every day with a smile, excited about what would happen next. I made pancakes and went down the elevator listening to happy songs.

I opened the door like a doorman for Magda and Bernadette, two elderly neighbors who occasionally met me at the door of the building. Me, coming out to college. They, coming in, tired of their morning walk.

"Good morning, ladies! What a beautiful day!" I said and smiled, holding the door.

They walked slowly and the two smiled at me, Magda raised her eyebrows, "I think someone is in love!" She commented and laughed with Bernadette.

I put on my headphones and looked at them, "I'm out of love, Magda!" I declared, smiling happily.

I walked to college listening to my favorite songs, almost dancing on the sidewalks. I watched the classes with pleasure and laughed at every silly joke told by my great teachers. I went to the library, and danced while my eyes scanned the books until they chose one.

On weekends, I went out with my brother or Dave, a redhead who also wanted to be a writer and became my friend in college. I went to bars or parties. I drank, played some games and had fun. I went out with pretty girls and had amazing nights.

And then all over again.

I woke up. I made pancakes and went down the elevator listening to music. I opened the door to the building and walked to college. I attended my classes and laughed at some jokes. I chose books in the library. I had fun at parties. I went out with girls.

And then all over again.

Woke up. Pancakes. Elevator. Door. Sidewalks. Classes. Library. Party. Drinks. Girls.

Weeks after weeks, all over again.

Until my new routine became my regular routine. And the excitement about my new life was gone.

Suddenly, that was no longer enough, and my mind went back to black and white.

I realized my new routine was just a placebo. It seemed to be working, but it had no real effects. I was still in love. I wasn't free.

"Good morning, dear!" I heard Magda's soft voice as I held the door for them on another day.

I replied with a slight smile.

Before putting on my headphones, I could hear her comment behind my back:

"He gets grumpy when he is in love."