Love Is Black And White

4. Golden Girl

It's not easy to admit that we are in love.

And it's terrifying when we realize we are.

Because when we say "I'm in love with you," we also say "Here is my heart, you can break it." A few words from the right person can wreak havoc on our souls. A "no" can be an atomic bomb. And the power to drop it belongs to just one person.

It feels really dangerous. So we start a war inside ourselves against this feeling, in order to protect us. But it just seems to increase. Until we surrender.

As for me, I surrendered the night Jade performed the music Million Dollar Man in a school play. I would never forget the lyrics to that song. And how could I? Jade used to sing this all the time. 

The musical was a reinterpretation of The Great Gatsby. Jade herself had written it with her friend Greg, who was also the choreographer.

Days before the big night, I was in her room, reading a book by the window, while she, sitting on the floor, was singing and sewing one of her costumes, a golden dress. "You'll be an amazing golden girl." I said to her.

She looked at me, her eyes full of joy. "Do you think so?"

"No..." I raised an eyebrow, "I'm pretty sure." I looked at her, smiled, and closed the book I was reading.

I closed the book I was reading and looked at her. She smiled so happily.

She sighed, "I'm so excited about this! I'm feeling like something great is gonna happen!"

"Yeah... you're gonna shine." I said while admiring the shiny fabric of the dress.

"Like the moon?" She asked, in a playful tone.

I chuckled and looked at her. "No... The moon shines because it reflects the sunlight, you have your own shine." 

"Leon!" She scolded me playfully. "Don't feed my ego!" She said and shook her shoulders, with the dress in front of her, as if she were performing.

I smiled, admiring her. Of course I already knew I liked Jade, how could I not know? She didn't leave my mind. But I didn't know I truly loved her. Dealing with love has never been easy for me.

Love is complicated even for grownups, so imagine how it is for a seventeen year old boy.

At that time, I linked my desire and illusions to hormones, because it seemed to fit well. Teenagers and their hormones. And also because hormones were so much easier to deal with than feelings.

God, please, let it be hormones!

Spoiler alert: It wasn't hormones.

You already know I often get away from reality, but that night I stayed. I didn't change anything in my imagination. There was no reason to change what was already perfect.

I was sitting on my chair and enjoying the musical. It was really fantastic. In one of the acts, Jade wore the gold fringed dress, which made her even more stunning. Then, she started singing and dancing to the song Million Dollar Man.

Oh... Damn!

That soft voice singing the lyrics I heard a thousand times and could hear a thousand times more. Those hands doing their own choreography through the air. That body following the rhythm of the music. Those eyes so dark and yet so bright, like the night sky.

She won me, entirely.

What the hell is happening to me?

I could feel a tingling rising in my chest, the air being trapped in my throat, a heat taking over my face.

They say we feel butterflies in our stomach, but it felt more like crazy ants chasing a sugar crystal inside me. And, what about that heat? It felt like my heart was running a fever.

I couldn't even get up to applaud her at the end of the song, I was petrified. But, in my mind, she was being acclaimed.

So, that's it.

The sound of people clapping around me was at war with the silence inside my mind. Jade, smiling on stage, was the only thing I saw. And her smile, so happy and bright, made me smile too.

I knew I couldn't do anything to save myself.

Yeah, I freaking love her.

I surrendered.