(Un) Lucky *Jersey Boys*

25

over the next few days, i wasn't feeling great but it wasn't bad at the same time. we mostly stayed home and ordered takeout and stuff.

all our friends and siblings started going back to school and i start online school with kai.

it's currently saturday afternoon and kai and i are eating lunch. my parents took liz, matthew, maiya, and ethan to the water park because this is the last day it's open.

me : ugh. i have to go back to the hospital for chemo on monday.
kai : it'll be okay. this will all be over soon.
me : hey kai can i talk to you about something that's been on my mind?
kai : of course baby, what's wrong?
me : what if...what if i don't...

i pause because i can barely even talk. it scares me to even think about it.

kai : don't what, angel?
me : what if i don't survive?
kai : what are you talking about? that's ridiculous.
me : like what if the cancer gets to me.
kai : it won't though.
me : kairi i'm 17 and have cancer for the second time. i had death scares during my first treatment. what if they're not just scares this time?

kairi stands up and stands in between my legs (i'm sitting in the chair still at the bar). i wrap my legs around him and he puts his arms around my waist and i put mine around his neck.

he starts kissing my neck a little like little pecks. and kisses my cheek a few times. i start crying.

me : i want the pain to end.
kai : i know baby. and it will.
me : but sometimes i just feel like i should end it all now. so i won't have to be miserable anymore. and so i don't have to hurt and ache and go through so much just to stay alive.
kai : i know. soon, jackie.
me : i feel like it'd be better if i was dead. i want to die. i hate being sick and i hate people talking about my cancer and i hate the hospital and everyone in it because it just reminds me that i'm sick. i'm telling i really want to die. like really. like i want to end it all myself.
kai : don't say that jackie.
me : but it's true.
kai : i promise i won't let that happen, beautiful. i understand that you're in pain and you want it to end and it makes sense, but baby i don't know what i would do without you. you mean everything to me. you gave me a home and the best girlfriend anyone could ask for. i love you jackie and i do not want you to be gone.

i start to cry harder. i hug him tighter.

me : i love you too.

i go to my room while kai stays in the kitchen because i tell him i need a minute to myself.

i decide to post a tiktok. i do the one where it's like

"one last pic and i'll be gone. make it count put the flash on. never really felt like i belonged so i'll be on my way and it won't be long. i'll be dead by dawn" (the song at the top)

and i posted it. i immediately started getting a bunch of comments saying "are you okay" and "please don't leave us" and stuff like that.